REMORSEREMORSE
"How could I have done what I did, Rachel? He doesn't deserve that. What's wrong with me?" Lou asked as she slumped into a chair at Rachel's kitchen table.
Rachel took a seat caddy corner from Lou, smiled at her and replied, "There's nothing wrong with you, Louise. You're just going through a very trying time right now. Of course, I would be able to offer better advice if I had the slightest idea who and what you were referring to." Rachel looked at Lou with her eyebrows raised, trying to indicate that Lou was talking in circles and not clearly saying why she was there. Rachel had been quietly peeling apples to make a pie for dessert when Lou had run into the house and started rambling on about messing everything up.
Lou looked at her sheepishly then glanced down at her hands as she explained, "I told him, Rachel. I explained about everything, left nothing out."
Rachel watched Lou as she wouldn't meet her eyes and instantly knew what she was talking about. "I take it the 'him' is Kid and the 'everything' has to do with Wicks and Charlotte," she said, softly, hating to bring up the name of the man who had caused Lou so much hurt.
Lou nodded then slowly turned her eyes toward the woman whose opinion she greatly valued. "You were right, what you told me the other night, about how telling you what had happened was a start. I knew then that I ... I couldn't keep it to myself, that I needed to tell a certain someone about it," she said then paused. "It's been eating away at me, Rachel. It was hard enough trying to forget after he'd actually done it. I mean, everytime I closed my eyes, he was there, every voice I heard was suddenly his. I never thought I'd get past it but slowly it got to the point where I didn't think about it as much and the nightmares finally stopped."
She didn't looked at Rachel as she got up and started pacing in front of the stove. "Then I started re-living it again when I saw him ride into town that day, no, it was before that. It was that day I came out of the barn and saw Charlotte standing there. Suddenly it was like it was happening all over again. I could hear his voice telling me how much I was going to enjoy it and that he knew I wanted it. He always made it seem like it was my fault, like I'd brought it on somehow." She stopped pacing and sat back down in the same chair. She turned tearful eyes toward Rachel for some guidance.
Rachel had been listening to Lou as she learned more than she had the last time they'd talked. It brought tears to her own eyes to think of what the young woman in front of her had endured as a young girl. She quickly covered Lou's hands with her own and assured her, "Louise, honey, it was not your fault. You cannot feel guilty for what happened. He only said those things so you would feel guilty and keep feeling that way. It's just like you can't be ashamed of what he did to you - it was all his fault."
"Then why does he keep doing this to me? Why is he always there? It's not like I want him to be. I can't close my eyes anymore without seeing him and hearing him say those words to me." She rubbed her temples as if the memories were giving her a headache. "You know I thought it would be better now that he's dead and once I decided to talk about it. But now I feel like his ghost is hovering over me, trying to keep me from getting past it or finding peace. I feel like he's haunting me, controlling what I do."
Rachel looked at her curiously, assuming there was more to what Lou was saying and that was probably why she was there to begin with. "Why do you say that, Louise?"
Lou met her eyes and not being able to take the guilt she was feeling anymore, rose from the table and started to walk away. She quickly turned around and half shouted, "I backed away from the Kid!" She threw her arms up in the air in a helpless gesture.
Rachel got up and went to her. She put her hands on Lou's arms to try to calm her down then softly asked, "What happened?" She started to realize this was what Lou was referring to when she was babbling about doing something awful.
Lou began fidgeting with her hands and explained, "It was after I told him - I don't know why I was worried because he was great. He reacted just the way I thought he would, you know, listening and not interrupting, offering words of assurance that it wasn't my fault, things like that. Then I finally got up the nerve to look at him, I mean, really look into his eyes to see what he thought of me, and he took me by surprise." She choked on the memory of the expression she saw on his face and had to look away.
Rachel started to get nervous, thinking Kid had done the unthinkable and reacted in a way she didn't think he would. When she'd told Lou it was a start to gettting past things by telling her what had happened, she was really trying to hint that the only way she would fully be able to put it behind her would be to tell Kid about it. "Why? What did he say to you, Louise?" she asked cautiously, not wanting to show any anger if she heard what she was thinking.
Lou heard the edge to Rachel's voice and quickly assured her, "Oh, no, it was nothing like that. He surprised me because all I saw in his eyes was warmth and compassion, not a hint of pity. I smiled at him in thanks and he came to me, trying to take me in his arms for a hug and the moment I felt him touch me ... it was like his hands were on fire, I jumped back and started shaking." She wrapped her own arms around herself as if she was afraid she would start trembling at the memory. She glanced at Rachel then returned to her seat at the table before continuing, "I couldn't help it, Rachel, he touched me and all I thought about was Wicks and the way he touched me. You should have seen the hurt look on Kid's face when he realized why I reacted that way. He's never done anything to indicate he would hurt me but I couldn't even let him touch me. He'll probably never want to touch me again after this."
"Why don't you ask him how he feels about it, instead of assuming?" a voice from the hallway interjected.
Lou and Rachel turned toward the doorway to find Kid standing there. After she had backed away from him when they were down by the swimming hole, she couldn't handle the guilt she felt so she had jumped on her horse and rode back to the way station. She didn't stop running until she found herself in Rachel's kitchen, wanting to pour her heart out.
Kid had been hurt by her backing away but he understood and before he could say so, she had startled him once more by running away. He had arrived at the station a few minutes ago and Noah had told him Lou was in the house so he had quietly let himself in.
Rachel saw Lou and Kid staring at each other so she quietly walked past Kid and headed out the front door, knowing they needed to talk.
Lou stood up and stammered, "Kid, I'm sorry to keep disappointing you. You didn't have to come here if you didn't want to."
Kid took a couple steps toward her and said, "Lou, haven't you realized by now that no matter how fast you run away from me, that I'll always be close behind following you. You couldn't get rid of me if you tried." He grinned at her to show he felt no hard feelings.
She looked into those incredible blue eyes of his and all she saw was love but knowing what memories were haunting her mind, she couldn't help but ask, "You mean that? Even after what I did to you back there? I'll never forgive myself for how I treated you." She turned away from him, not believing that he couldn't be hating her for pulling away like she did. She felt so bad for doing that to him; he hadn't done anything wrong, it wasn't about him, but maybe Kid thought it was.
"Hey, Lou," he said, trying to get her attention. "Louise." He knew that would make her look up and he smiled when she did. "Look, I figured something bad had happened to make you keep avoiding the subject with me when Charlotte came to town. I tried to come up with an explanation but nothing came close to what really happened." He paused as he saw her getting uncomfortable with the direction he was taking. "Remember the other day when I told you I wasn't going anywhere, that I'd always be here for you? Well, I meant it and I still do. I know it's far from over, Lou, I just want you to know I'll be there to help you through it ... if you'll let me."
"I wanna let you, Kid," she told him, this time not taking her eyes away from his. "That's why I had to tell you, you mean too much to me for me to keep it from you. I'm just afraid I'll do something like that again. Sometimes I feel like he's taking over control of me and I don't know how to stop it."
"Well, we'll stop it together," he told her then held his hand out to her. She looked at it, fidgeting with her fingers. "It's only me, you know, the one who drives you crazy." He looked at her, grinning.
Lou couldn't help but smile and replied, "I remember." She slowly raised her hand until it met his. He engulfed hers with his.
"Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" He waited until she shook her head then he took her other hand in his and started to make her walk toward him. When she was less than a foot away, he slowly put his hands on her arms. When she didn't flinch, he pulled her toward him and wrapped his arms around her.
Lou found herself leaning into his chest, finding strength from his embrace. She wasn't alone and he was right, together they could beat Wicks, make him a thing of the past.