The Presence Of Ike
Charla Ó 2000
Buck sat on the corral fence, the sun sinking in front of him, but his eyes were glazed and his stare unfocused. Behind him, most of the other riders were talking in the bunkhouse or on the porch, but he did not hear them. Instead, Buck's concentration was focused on memories of his best friend. Buck's mind filled with images of Ike and his stomach clinched as the memory of his best friend's recent death overwhelmed him.
Buck and Ike had been like brothers, and Buck was not sure he would ever adjust to a life without his dear friend. They were barely 13 when they met, not much more than children. Not only had they both found themselves in the same mission orphanage, but they also shared a bond because of their class mates discrimination. That bond only grew over the ensuing years.
Ike McSwain had endured two tragedies in his young life. His smooth head, which he usually covered with a bandanna, testified to his surviving scarlet fever as a young child. Later, a horrified young Ike witnessed his family's murder at the hands of outlaws; he was affected deeply. Whether by trauma, shock or unconscious self-protection, Ike had lost his ability to speak. Bald, mute kids weren't exactly well liked at the mission orphanage, but Ike found a kindred spirit in Buck. Buck often cheered up his friend by claiming to have enough hair for the both of them.
Buck Cross had immediately met hostility at school merely because of his dark skin, deep brown eyes and long black hair. Buck had already endured bias within the Kiowa culture as a half-breed, but the world of whites proved no more compromising.
Soon the two boys began standing together against an often unkind and harsh world, sometimes even forced to fight the stings of prejudice around them. Together, the reserved Ike and the proud Buck forged a fiercely loyal friendship. Buck taught Ike Indian sign language and Ike was able to more easily communicate with those around him. As they struggled to find their place in an unaccepting world, Ike usually found Buck the only person worth the effort of his new skill.
At fifteen, Buck and Ike found themselves ready to leave the mission that had never really been a home. They drifted for a while, doing odd jobs until Ike saw the ad on the town hall message board. The Russell, Majors and Waddell poster advertised for riders, young men to deliver the mail. In fact, the firm specifically requested orphans. Soon after, Buck and Ike found themselves working for the Pony Express.
Though they remained closer than ever, they soon formed close friendships with the other riders as well. For the first time, Ike and Buck experienced family and acceptance. The group of orphans, though nearly adults, embraced the sense of family that quickly developed between them. After a past of heartache and loneliness, the kinship was soothing to them all. They even enjoyed the occasional mothering of the station's beautiful housekeeper, Rachel. All of the riders at one time or another turned to Rachel for comfort and advice. She was often exasperated at the young people she watched over, but her care was always evident.
Jimmy Hickok was the eldest of the group. Though he was quick with a gun, he held himself to a strong code of ethics. Whatever had turned Jimmy hard, failed to turn him mean. He was quiet, often somber and seemed to have a chip on his shoulder, but he quickly proved himself a fiercely loyal friend.
William Cody was at once charming, irritating and arrogant, but his joking banter kept the mood in the bunkhouse light. His quick wit often got him into trouble, but he never seemed to mind the extra attention. The other riders swiftly discovered that a faithful friend lie just beneath his wisecracks and nonchalance.
The Kid's past was as mysterious as his name, but his genuine sincerity and fairness soon became evident to his fellow riders. Kid sometimes seemed almost naïve in his goodness and morals, but all of the riders admired his character. Kid was deeply attached to his horse, and it didn't take long for the riders to possess Kid's same unwavering devotion.
Lou McCloud was truly the enigma of the group. It had taken many months for the riders to discover that he was really Louise, but she had held her own among the boys for so long that her gender didn't change their respect for her. Lou had a quick temper that was often targeted at Kid and his attempts to protect her. Kid and Lou's relationship was accepted and guarded among the riders as easily as her gender.
As he thought of his friends, Buck knew that he was not the only person grieving for Ike, but that fact only compounded his own loss. The two friends who had stood alone had finally found a family, but now, only Buck was left. He also knew somewhere out there, over that horizon, a special woman, Ike's woman, was hurting as much as he.
His thoughts once again replayed the last events of Ike's life. Maybe it was just a strange twist of life, but Ike seemed happier in that time than ever before. Buck supposed there was some solace in that fact, but Ike's happiness had ended abruptly. Buck's pain, guilt and grief had only begun.
Emily Metcalfe had moved to Rock Creek with her father. She obviously loved her Pa, but was infuriated by his tendency to gamble and drink. It had been just the two of them for most of Emily's life and sometimes it was difficult to tell who was the parent and who was the child.
She had apparently made an impression on Ike the minute he saw her; Emily stormed into the town's saloon, wearing britches and a dusty cotton shirt, angered at discovering her dad just where she had suspected. Just seeing the wounded look in her eyes made Ike hurt as well, but her courage and pride grabbed his attention and affection. Ike had a caring and tender heart; he never questioned the spontaneous feelings Emily created inside him. Rather Ike immediately accepted the emotions she had unknowingly stirred.
The atmosphere changed at the card table just as Emily confronted her father. Mr. Metcalfe had just caught and called a fellow player by the name of Neville for cheating. Instead of a scene in front of a saloon full of spectators, Neville soon left, but anger and revenge filled his eyes. Ike instinctively found himself scared for the beautiful girl and protective of her father, so he accompanied them as they rode out of town to their newly purchased ranch. When Neville tried to way-lay them on the ride home, Ike's instinct proved correct. Fortunately Emily, her father and Ike were able to run him off without any bloodshed. Ike then gladly spent the afternoon with Mr. Metcalfe and daughter at their ranch.
The next day, Buck and all the riders watched with surprise as the young woman approached Ike at the Express Station. They stared, fascinated, as Ike's eyes lit up and he walked away on a stroll with the new girl in town.
Buck's eyes etched everything about Emily Metcalfe into his memory. Her plain and understated dress did not hide her simple beauty; in a way, the pretty girl beneath the tomboy reminded Buck of Lou. Emily's honey brown hair was short for a girl, but the sway of her hips erased any doubt of her femininity. The vivid gray eyes that gazed at Ike in greeting had glittered with intelligence and good humor. She carried herself as a woman comfortable in her own skin, proud without being uppity and extremely practical. Buck easily figured out why Ike had been so easily smitten. Buck grinned to himself, Ike, you are a lucky man. In fact, the feelings Emily had aroused in Buck made him uncomfortable. He shook his head as if to shake off his uncharacteristic response to her.
Back in the bunkhouse that night, Ike took ribbing from the riders about his visitor, but he seemed to delight in their teasing. Ike listened to the banter with a smile that was as good natured as his heart. It was then that Buck realized just how much Ike cared about this girl; he was at once thrilled for his friend, concerned that Ike might get hurt and frustrated that Ike had seen her first. A bit later, Buck followed Ike outside.
Do you have something to say too? Ike signed, grinning.
"I'm not going to kid you like the rest of the riders, if that's what you mean. I just don't want you to get your heart broken. You just met this girl." Buck replied seriously.
You are just jealous. Ike was all but laughing as his hands spoke for him.
The words hit Buck hard, startling him, but he realized that Ike had no idea. "Ahh Ike, I just want you to be happy, " Buck smiled, " and I hope she deserves you."
Ike signed again, his hands and fingers moving. I asked her to the dance.
Buck laughed, " I thought you would." Any further personal opinions about Emily Metcalfe, Buck kept to himself. In fact, Buck buried certain thoughts very deep. His reaction to Emily puzzled him and he did not like this interest in Ike's woman.
When the night of the dance arrived, Ike dressed in his best. The other riders watched him arrive at the dance with the pretty Emily on his arm. By this time, the other riders also sensed the seriousness of this relationship, and they each beamed at the couple like proud parents. Buck noted all the nudging and silly grins; only he wore a frown, but luckily no one noticed. Buck turned away, disgusted with himself for not sharing the other rider's happiness for Ike.
Buck was sipping at his punch a bit later when he watched the giggling couple leave the dance; his eyes narrowed slightly. He knew what Ike would be doing with Emily tonight and the envy that overcame him made him gasp. Anger directed internally burned within Buck's chest, but that initial anger was followed by a wash of guilt. As penance, he moved to the front porch, watching Ike and Emily enter the barn - watching to both punish himself and watching to make sure they were not disturbed.
Later, a slightly drunk Mr. Metcalfe was leaving the saloon down the street only to meet a vengeful Neville on the steps. A witness watched as both men drew and Mr. Metcalfe fell dead in the dirt. After hearing the shot nearby, Buck quickly assimilated what had happened and raced to reach Ike and Emily before they were discovered.
His sharp eyes noted Emily and Ike's disheveled appearance, the straw in her hair and the twinkle in Ike's eye. Buck's heart pounded in his ears. Ike's protective arm enveloped Emily as she faced the tragic news. Once again Buck felt his heart constrict, but Mr. Metcalfe's death and Emily's sorrow were far more important than any misguided jealousy on his part. Buck and Ike supported a stricken Emily down the street to her father's body.
Buck was not sure exactly what happened between Ike and Emily the next day. Ike was torn and confused because Emily was being distant. His inability to speak made communication even more difficult. Would you talk to her for me? he asked Buck. Buck felt his jaw clinch; his friend had no idea what he was asking. Completely unaware, Ike continued. She won't talk to me and I'm worried about her.
Because of that shared concern, Buck found himself at Emily's home that afternoon. It was almost time for the funeral. He knocked hesitantly and heard her voice call out "Just a minute." Her eyes softened when she saw Buck at the door. "You are Ike's friend; I guess he sent you over here," she stated bluntly. "Come in Buck."
Buck cleared his throat, "Yeah, he thinks you are upset with him."
"Goodness no," she exclaimed, "I just needed some time to work things out in my mind. I have a lot of decisions to make and I have to make them fast. Hey, would you mind terribly helping me with these laces?"
Buck's first thought was of her dress and he felt both dread and anticipation churn in his gut. He was relieved a few moments later as she sat and raised a boot in the air. Buck's mouth twitched; feeling silly, he knelt before her chair. He looked up into her sweet eyes and immediately wished he had his eyes on her boots. His head snapped down as he went to work on the shoelaces.
"I know you are probably being protective of Ike, but I promise I won't hurt him," she looked sad and wistful. "I've never met anyone like him."
Buck nodded. "Ike is special." He gently held her heel, finishing the first black boot. He swallowed before he continued. "He really cares about you."
"I really care about him too," Emily assured him, "but it's been just me and Pa for so long, and now I have a lot to figure out."
Buck wondered if she could feel the hunger in him as he knelt so near her. He finished lacing the second boot and backed away from her. No, he thought, she is well and truly Ike's woman and I cannot forget that. The tension within him increased with his resignation to keep his distance.
Emily was so wrapped up in her own grief, she didn't sense anything unusual in Buck. She only perceived comfort and a certain amount of relief at Buck's presence. If her emotions were not so crippled at the time, Emily might have questioned why she had needed space from Ike, but embraced the comfort of Buck's presence. Instead, she let Buck guided her outside as Ike road into the yard.
Together the three stood beside the grave as the casket was covered with dirt. Emily's stance was unyeilding and her eyes dry as she faced the finality of her father's death, yet her gaze was sorrowful. Buck concentrated to keep his face impassive and resisted the temptation to comfort her. Ike kept his arm around the brave young woman as her last living relative was laid to rest. Buck felt a sense of pride at her stoicism while at the same time his heart broke for her grief.
"What are your plans?" Buck asked Emily as much for his own benefit though he nodded at Ike. Barely a hint of a smile touched her face and she put her hand on Ike's arm.
"I have some unfinished business before I can make any future plans," she looked closely at Ike, "but then I'd like to look to the future. I'd like that very much."
Buck didn't miss the look in Ike's eyes as he gazed at Emily and he quickly looked away. He then cleared his throat and turned his face toward them again, his emotions under control. "We have to head back to the station. Join us for dinner?" Both Ike and Buck looked at Emily expectantly.
"Yes," she replied softly, her hand still on Ike's arm, "I'll be there." Her earnest gaze turned on Buck. "Thank you for asking me."
Neither were in a hurry as Buck and Ike walked their horses slowly toward the station. They remained silent most of the way, content with their thoughts. Finally, Ike began moving his hands. Do you think she will be okay? I mean right now?
"I'm sure she'll be fine Ike, she has you now." Buck replied. "And the rest of us are here for her too."
I hope she realizes that I plan to stand beside her from now on, Ike signed. His meaning was clear to Buck.
They both continued walking, thoughtful for a moment, both of their minds and hearts full of the woman who had just entered their lives.
Ike's mind began moving fast. What business do you think she meant? She's new here and she just buried her daddy. You don't think… Their eyes widened at the same time. Buck and Ike jumped on their horses, riding fast toward town.
Since Neville had murdered Emily's father in a fair fight, he was a free man. As a matter of fact, Neville was back in Rock Creek's saloon playing cards with anyone that had not heard of his reputation for cheating.
Emily had not been raised to merely grieve at her father's untimely and unfair death, and the law was helpless to bring justice to her dad's killer. As the Buck and Ike entered town, they were in time to see Emily purposeful stride up the saloon steps. Buck knew with certainty that he and Ike were right about her business. He only hoped they were not too late to stop her.
Emily called Neville's name from the door, the unwavering challenge evident in her tone. "You think I'll fight you little girl?" Neville responded with mock contempt.
"If you don't, then I'll shoot you first for sure," Emily replied with dead calm. Even the hardened men in the saloon were chilled by the young girl's voice.
The events were a blur. Just as Neville and Emily were about to draw, Ike jumped in front of Emily, drawing his gun. Shots rang out. Buck's face registered shock as blood began to spread across Ike's chest. Emily began to sob. With a quick glance, Buck noted that either Ike or Emily's shot had found a home Neville's head.
Buck's memories were interrupted by the sound of a voice. Lou crawled up on the fence beside him. She had just returned from a long run, but seeing Buck sitting alone made her decide to put off resting. "Buck," she repeated, "you okay?"
"No Lou, I'm not okay." Buck answered sharply.
"I'm not leaving you alone just cause you bite my head off," Lou said stubbornly. "Me and the boys, we've let you alone for nearly two months now. It's time you quit grieving for Ike all by yourself. We miss him too, but now we're beginning to miss you."
Buck continued to look at the distance, his eyes filled with pain. "I don't feel like talking to you Lou."
"Well, you need to talk to somebody. If not me, then one of the boys." Lou sighed and continued. "I saw Emily while in Davenport. She doesn't look much better than you."
His long black hair whipped behind him as he turned to look at Lou.
"Thought that might get your attention. At least she would talk to me a little bit. 'Course I couldn't convince her to come back here with me. Buck, I'm just plain worried about her; she's all alone and she feels so guilty about Ike's death," Lou added softly.
"Doesn't she know we don't blame her?" Buck fired off the questions. "And why did she leave so fast after Ike died? Why wouldn't she come back here? She doesn't have anybody else."
"Guess her mind knows we don't blame her, even if her heart doesn't. Myself, I think she left rather than face Ike's funeral. She's not doing very good Buck."
Buck became more concerned. "What's wrong?"
"Well, she didn't say so, but I think she's barely getting by. She's been sick, so I'm not real sure if she can hold down a job. I think she's just kind of drifting."
Slowly Buck thought about Lou's last words. "Sick?"
"Yeah, but she didn't tell me anything specific."
"I need to go find her, bring her back here." Buck hopped off the fence. "I need to find Teaspoon."
Teaspoon Hunter, the town sheriff and station master, was both surprised and pleased to see Buck look anything besides dejected. He was more than glad to give Buck the time off to go find Emily. After all, anything that would get Buck moving and thinking about something besides his grief was better than the way things had been the last two months.
"Now hold on there Buck, before you go taking off by yourself. I want you to take Jimmy with you," he drawled.
"I can go alone Teaspoon, there's no use you wasting two riders." Buck replied.
"Oh yes there is son, my peace of mind." With that, Teaspoon crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair.
Buck saw the determination on Teaspoon's face and decided to give in. It was a long ride to Davenport anyway and he knew Jimmy wouldn't nag him all the way like some of the other riders. Not to mention, he wouldn't have to spend time alone with Emily.
If Ike's affection had kept Buck from pursuing Emily as a woman before, his death surely blocked any possibility of him claiming her as his own now. Even so, Buck knew he could not allow Emily to drift aimlessly, especially if she were sick.
Jimmy and Buck were prepared to leave Rock Creek by nightfall. Lou met them in the barn to tell them goodbye. "She was staying at the boarding house when I was there," Lou told Jimmy. Then she looked at Buck. "Ike would be proud and downright grateful. He wouldn't want Emily drifting around out there alone."
"I know that Lou, that's why I'm going after her." Buck turned his horse and left. Jimmy turned to salute a farewell to Lou as he rode off behind Buck.
Lou looked up at the stars and felt Kid walk up behind. He wrapped his arms around her and leaned down to smell her hair. "It'll be okay Lou. Buck and Emily will both be okay."
Lou turned into Kid's embrace. "I have a really bad feeling about this, so I hope you're right Kid. I hope you're right."
The entire first day Jimmy let Buck alone. He knew his friend had a lot on his mind and he seemed to be wrestling with something more than missing Ike, but Jimmy felt he had a right to handle it in privacy. Unfortunately, the closer they got to Davenport, the surlier Buck acted until even Jimmy was fed up with his attitude.
"What the hell is the matter with you Buck? This isn't like you. Are you spoiling for a fight or something? You are the one that wanted to come after Emily."
Buck glared over his shoulder as Jimmy pulled his horse up beside him. "It doesn't matter."
"Well Buck, it matters to me cause you're a downright pain in the britches to be around. I'm tired of putting up with you."
"Then keep your distance Jimmy. I don't want to talk about it." With that, Buck nudged his horse to a gallop toward town.
The two riders entered Davenport the next evening. Jimmy went to get them a room and Buck headed over to the boarding house to find Emily. It didn't take him long; his breath caught as he saw her moving down the boardwalk right toward him. She was dressed in a soft blue dress and had a bag under each arm. Emily's face looked pale and drawn and upon closer inspection, he could see dark circles under each eye. Her already petite form seemed to have shrunk. Emily was concentrating so hard on just moving without dropping her bags, that she was completely upon Buck before she even saw him.
"Buck," she gasped, "wha-wha- what are you doing here?"
He automatically reached to take her bags and she didn't protest. "Actually,
I'm here looking for you."
She tried to tilt her chin up proudly, but instead she only looked like a wilted flower. "Why are you looking for me?"
"First Emily, tell me where you are going with these bags."
Her chin went up another notch. "I, um," she cleared her throat, "decided to leave the boarding house." She didn't want to tell him she neither had the money to stay there anymore, nor any idea where she was going.
Buck's eyes were thoughtful. He didn't question again where she was headed. Instead, he tucked one bag under his arm, put the other in his hand and wrapped his free arm around Emily's tiny waist. She looked weak and he didn't think they should stand around talking much longer. Now was not the time for questions and explanations.
Buck led her toward the hotel and Jimmy met them outside. "Think they have a room here for Emily?"
Jimmy nodded and turned on his heel back into the lobby; he had immediately noticed how worn Emily appeared and wanted to quickly get her a place to rest. Just as the clerk handed Jimmy a new room key, Buck pushed open the door with his boot carrying a colorless Emily in his arms. Buck's eyes were wild with worry as he rushed her up the stairs and Jimmy ordered the clerk to fetch a doctor.
Buck paced outside Emily's room while the doctor examined her. She had awakened
from her faint about the time Doc Howard arrived, her eyes stricken and embarrassed.
She turned her face away as the Doc ushered Buck and Jimmy out of them room.
Jimmy watched Buck prowl like an animal and he reflected on the wild look in Buck's eyes when he carried a limp Emily into the hotel. Jimmy wasn't the smartest man rider, but he had a heap of common sense. He was beginning to figure Buck out.
"So Buck, are you still grieving for Ike or you just feeling guilty for wanting his woman?"
Buck's face turned furiously toward Jimmy. Jimmy found himself against
the wall, but he continued. "It hurts like hell to want your best friend's
woman. I oughta know all about that can of worms."
After a moment's hesitation, Buck let Jimmy go, his eyebrows raised. Shock then
understanding dawned across his features.
"Not that I'd mention it to anyone else," Jimmy continued, "but I see you are wrestling with the same demon."
"Lou, " breathed Buck.
"Yep," said Jimmy, "and Kid is my best friend. I don't know which is worse, the wanting her or the guilt of wanting her."
Buck stepped back and sighed heavily, leaning against the wall, obviously shaken by Jimmy's confession.
Jimmy spoke again. "Buck, Ike is gone, so you shouldn't feel guilty anymore. And I have to admit, as sad as I would feel if something happened to Kid, I'd be the one to comfort Lou in a heartbeat."
Buck shook his head. "I'm going to help Emily, but I can never have her. Ike's presence will always be here." Buck tapped his heart with two fingers.
Jimmy was stopped from replying as Doc Howard opened the door. He scrutinized the two men carefully. He then cleared his throat. "Do either of you take responsibility for this young woman?"
Buck answered automatically, without thought. "Yes, I do."
"Well son, she is with child." The doctor didn't ask who the child belonged to; he only wanted to make sure that the frail woman behind him had support and someone to look after her.
Buck's eyes widened; his words came out in a rush. "Is she okay? Is the baby?"
The doctor nodded gravely. "I won't lie. She's weak, undernourished and if she doesn't get care, then the baby won't make it. But, if she gets the care she needs for the rest of her pregnancy, she and the baby should be just fine."
Visible relief etched Buck's features. Jimmy nodded to the doctor. "Don't worry, she'll be taken care of from now on."
Doc Howard looked reassured. "Feed her lots of soup til she's stronger. Let her get plenty of rest and don't let her do anything strenuous. She has to regain her strength."
"Can I see her?" Buck asked.
The doctor nodded again. "Yes, but don't keep her awake long."
"How soon 'til she can travel…" Jimmy was asking as Buck disappeared behind Emily's door.
Emily turned her face toward him and took a deep breath. Gray eyes peered at him, searching for forgiveness and understanding.
"Did you know?" Buck asked softly.
"I had begun to suspect," she replied.
"Did you have plans, something in mind to do?"
"Nope, I'm afraid not." Emily felt despair at that admission.
"Emily, you are carrying my best friend's child. You know I wouldn't have let you go through this alone, without help."
She looked into his dark eyes. "Buck, me and this baby aren't your responsibility, though I think you are wonderful for caring."
Buck put up his hand stopping her. "Emily, like it or not, Jimmy and I will be taking care of you. I will be taking care of you. Now go to sleep." His gentle tone did not match his firm words, but his hand reached down and stroked her brow. Assured of his Buck's forgiveness, her eyes drifted closed.
Jimmy walked in and smiled at the couple. "We should be able to leave in about a week if she gets stronger, but I think you'll give her enough attention to see that she does."
"Stay with her Jimmy? I have a couple of errands to run." Buck's very demeanor was full of purpose.
"Of course," Jimmy agreed and settled into the chair next to Emily's bed.
Buck was back in only a couple hours, and he relieved Jimmy his charge. Jimmy left the hotel to round them up some dinner. Emily had slept his entire absence, and Buck looked at her still form and watched her quiet breathing. Of course, now her sickness that Lou had mentioned made perfect sense. He couldn't begin to imagine how she had supported herself. Based on her condition, obviously not very well.
He had made some quick decisions for Emily and for Ike's baby. He certainly hoped she didn't disagree too vehemently. His hand reached to hold hers as she slept and he noted her pale skin next to his dark. The world may be biased against half-breeds, but they were just as biased toward unwed women expecting a baby.
Emily awoke as Jimmy entered the room with a big bowl of soup. He grinned and Emily smiled shyly. Then she looked down to see her hand still in Buck's and blushed. Jimmy's grin broadened.
Buck began to feed her the nourishing soup despite her protest that she could feed herself. Buck set his jaw obstinately and she resigned herself to his care. He looked up as he finished his task. "Jimmy, I need to talk to Emily alone." Jimmy answered with a slight nod, kissed Emily on the cheek and quietly left the room.
Emily watched Buck expectantly. He appeared nervous and that didn't seem to fit Buck at all. While he seemed to be searching for words, she looked him over thoroughly for the first time. His long black hair was shiny and she wondered if it was soft; it almost made her fingers itch to touch. Buck's face was full of hard angles, a strong mouth, high cheekbones and a striking chin. She had not been as aware before of how handsome he was. A brief thought flashed through her mind, what if I had met Buck before Ike, but it quickly drifted away.
Her thoughts then turned to Ike. She missed his tender heart and gentle ways. Her heart broke that he would never see his child; he had died to save her life and unknowingly their baby's life as well.
"Emily," Buck began, halting her thoughts, "Ike was my best friend. He loved you deeply and we both grieve at his death." Emily nodded slowly as Buck continued. "You're about to have Ike's baby and you are alone in the world. So I've decided that you and I should get married," he finished abruptly, in a rush to have it said.
Emily's jaw dropped open. Of all the things he could have said, this was the least expected. "BUCK! You don't have to do that," Emily cried. "Couldn't I just live at the station 'til I can get on my feet?"
Buck paused a moment. "Emily, you don't have anywhere to go and I can take of you. I want to."
Warmth spread through Emily. Buck wants to marry me, she thought. She felt immediate comfort. I would be a good wife; he'd never regret taking on me and the baby. "Are you sure Buck? Marriage is a life-long commitment, not just a quick fix."
"I'm very sure Emily. I've arranged for the pastor to come here tomorrow, if you think you are well enough."
"Buck, I honestly don't know what to say. Thank you hardly seems enough."
"Do you think you could just say yes?" Buck asked.
"Yes Buck, I will marry you," Emily replied with feeling.
The worry lines on his brow were erased with her answer. "Now that you've finished eating, think you could get some more rest?"
Emily smiled ruefully, "Yeah, I think I can go back to sleep very easily. I've been so tired." She yawned closing her eyes. Opening them again slightly, she smiled softly, "Tomorrow is my wedding day." Her heavy lids drifted closed and she was asleep.
Buck leaned over to kiss her cheek. "I'll always be true to you Emily, but I'll always be true to Ike too."
Buck entered his and Jimmy's room to find Jimmy still awake.
"Did you finish all your errands today?"
Buck moved his head in affirmation. "Care to be my best man tomorrow?"
Jimmy was hardly surprised, but Buck's attitude still puzzled him. "Congratulations," his voice boomed as he patted Buck on the back, "but you don't look very happy."
Soulful and pained eyes bore into Jimmy. "She doesn't love me Jimmy, but Ike's baby needs a father. I could never take Ike's place and I don't intend to try, but I can't just leave them all alone. I couldn't leave her alone if I tried."
Jimmy just shook his head. "Aww Buck, I think you two have more between you than Ike's baby, but I wouldn't worry about it. Things have a way of working themselves out."
The preacher shut his Bible quietly. "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride." Buck gazed down at Emily who was sitting up in her bed for the ceremony. He leaned over to kiss her pale cheek.
Doc Howard and Jimmy, the ceremony's two witnesses, moved to congratulate them.
"Well, Mrs. Cross, guess I'm sorta your brother-in-law now." Jimmy eased to sit beside Emily on the bed. "Welcome to the family." He then whispered, "I'm looking forward to being an uncle too."
Emily beamed at him; she couldn't believe the acceptance she had received from Buck and Jimmy. If it weren't for her, their friend Ike would still be alive. She tried to dispel that thought and think about the present. With the baby on the way, she had a lot to look forward to. She didn't dwell too much of how Buck would affect her future; it was enough that he would be in it. Surprised at her reaction, she found herself very content to find Buck was going simply going to be with her.
"My patient is already looking much better," Doc Howard pronounced. "You boys keep up the good work." He then turned to Buck. "And son, it's a fine thing you have done today." When Buck looked to take offense, he hastened to add, "You married a fine young woman."
Buck thanked the doctor as he left. Doc Howard was to return the next day to check on Emily. Jimmy continued to sit next to Emily talking quietly. Buck was shocked when he felt the familiar pang of jealousy again. She's my wife now; I'm acting stupid. That thought was quickly replaced with a reminder, Emily may be my wife, but Ike will always be between us.
The day was spent letting Emily rest and making sure she ate plenty for her and the baby. Emily's color was returning and she smiled often. Buck enjoyed just sitting near her, but he could already tell marriage was going to be difficult. He'd married a woman he loved passionately, but he couldn't touch her. He wouldn't touch her; Buck had dishonored Ike enough before his death. To Buck, Ike's presence would always be tangible.
The week passed quickly; Buck and Emily talked a great deal of the time. He told Emily all about his job and the other riders, and they talked about their memories of Ike. She listened as her respect and sentiment for Buck grew every day.
She was up and moving around more all the time. Soon Doc Howard pronounced Emily well enough for travel. The 3 day ride to Rock Creek would have to take closer to 4 ½, but the trio were happy to be on their way back. Jimmy went off to saddle his horses and hitch up the buckboard they had purchased earlier that week.
Buck gathered their belongings and moved to assist Emily. She did not look any bigger in size, but she looked much healthier. Sometimes Buck couldn't believe she was pregnant. He wondered how such a small woman was going to carry a child, but he knew she was tougher than she looked. Emily stood easily and smiled at her new husband. Buck's heart did a funny thing in his chest, and his eyes softened. "Are you going to be all right?"
"I'm fine," she assured Buck. "I feel better than I have in weeks."
Buck tried not to think of the two months she'd spent alone, scared and hungry. From now on, Buck intended to help her in any way he could. He also planned to remind himself of Ike constantly.
Five days later, the tired group arrived in Rock Creek. Emily had only been sick once on the trip, but they stopped to give her ample time to rest and recover.
Jimmy had remarked dryly, "I thought morning sickness was only in the morning," but Emily had been feeling too ill to reply and Buck simply ignored him. Jimmy had been a huge help on the trip back, and Buck would always be grateful. He only hoped the other riders would be as kind to Emily.
Lou was the first to come out of the bunkhouse. Buck caught himself looking over at Jimmy, but Jimmy hid his feelings very well. Lou was smiling at Emily. "I see the boys talked you into coming back."
Emily glanced quickly at Buck. "Yep, you could say Buck was very persuasive."
"I have to say you look a lot better than the last time I saw you, but that ain't saying much." Lou turned to greet Jimmy.
Cody and Kid came out of the barn at the sound of their voices. Buck looked around. "If you are here, who's on a run?"
"Teaspoon hired on a new rider while you were gone Buck," Cody explained. "Colored fella by the name of Noah Dixon - you can meet him when he gets back."
Buck cleared his throat deciding it was time to make his and Emily's announcement, but Jimmy beat him to it.
"Everyone, you know Emily, but now I'd like to introduce her as Mrs. Emily Cross. Ya'll need to congratulate the newlyweds!"
Stunned silence met the announcement. "Are ya'll deaf or something?" Jimmy asked. "We have ourselves a new family member!"
Lou was the first to recover. "Buck, Emily, why, that's wonderful. Congratulations." She turned and slapped Kid on the back to help him recover, giving him a pointed look.
Kid grinned at them, "Yeah Buck. We're happy for you."
Cody remained dumb struck and he was rarely speechless.
Jimmy stepped in again. "I think Emily needs to get in the house for some rest."
Buck jumped off the buckboard, helping Emily down as well. "That's exactly what we should let her do." He smiled down at his small bride and nudged her toward the station house. "I'm sure Rachel will let her rest in the house."
As they walked away, all the riders turned to stare at Jimmy, waiting for
the answers to their unasked questions.
"She still sick?" Lou asked.
Jimmy nodded, "But she's a lot better than she was."
"Is there something you ain't telling us Jimmy?" Lou asked.
"You'll just have to wait. It's up to Buck to tell you anything else you want to know." Jimmy replied as he moved to take care of the horses. Cody, with eyebrows raised, turned to help him. Lou and Kid were left staring after them as they went into the barn.
After they entered the house, Emily turned to Buck. "I'm so sorry that was so awkward for you. Do you want to put off telling them about the baby?"
"No, of course not! Emily, I will never be ashamed of you or the baby you carry. I honestly thought I should get you inside to rest. We're gonna to make sure that baby inside you makes it into the world."
Emily looked at the man before her with wonder. He's so good to me, she thought, amazed.
Buck settled her into the bed. "Rachel will be home from teaching school in a couple of hours and I'll make sure it's okay, but for now, you can stay here with Rachel and I'll stay in the bunkhouse."
Emily looked at her husband. "For how long?" Circumstances were
indeed complicated, but she wondered when they would start living as man and
wife.
Buck was content to keep things that way for as long as possible; she wasn't
as much a temptation in a completely different building. "I'm not sure;
we'll see what happens."
Buck went outside, uncomfortable with the turn of his conversation with Emily. How could he tell her that her preferred to sleep as far away from her as possible? How could he explain how he had betrayed his best friend by coveting his woman, and continued to betray him even now?
He could hear everyone over at the barn, so he ambled toward the voices. Buck had one more announcement to make today.
Teaspoon's voice boomed a greeting as he walked through the barn door. "Welcome back Buck. I hear congratulations are in order!"
Buck's small smile didn't reach his eyes. "More than you know Teaspoon."
"What's this," asked the older man, "you care to tell us the "more" part?"
Buck swallowed, "I guess ya'll want some explanations."
"We're listening," said Lou. Kid moved to put his arm around her and looked at Buck. "You have to know we're kinda curious."
"Yeah," chimed Cody, "we didn't exactly figure you planned
to marry her!"
As usual, Buck came straight to the point. "She's carrying Ike's baby."
"Well now," rumbled Teaspoon's gravely voice, "more congratulations are in order. Don't the rest of you kids agree?"
Lou stared at Buck with misgiving. "When I told you she needed help, I didn't know you'd end up marrying her. You shoulda known we'd all be willing help her. We loved Ike too…"
Jimmy interrupted, "Now Lou, Buck didn't do nothing he didn't want to do. Don't you go feeling like you caused some sort of problem."
She turned on Jimmy. "And you, how could you let him pull such a foolish notion? Now he's saddled with a wife…"
Kid interrupted her this time. "I think you better simmer down Lou."
"That's enough, all of you." Teaspoon bellowed with authority. "Give Buck some credit here folks."
"I married Emily 'cause I wanted to. If any of you have any trouble with that, then I guess we'll have to move on. She's my wife now and I expect her to be treated with respect - if not by the rest of the world," Buck was thinking of his dark skin, "then certainly by my friends."
"Awww Buck, you know we don't think bad of either one of you. You're family and we just want you to be happy," said Cody.
Lou laid her hand on Buck's arm. "That's all I'm saying too."
Emily, her arm through Buck's, entered the bunkhouse for supper to a room full of smiling faces. It seemed Cody and Jimmy were still bickering over who was going to be the best uncle. Kid put down his fork to wish the couple well. Lou, who had discussed her misgivings long and hard with Kid, stood to give Emily a big hug as Kid looked on with approval. Rachel, who Emily had barely met before she left Rock Creek, asked if she needed anything.
"Oh no," replied Emily, "I'm fine. Thank you all so much for your concern."
All of the riders were looking forward to the baby and none of them seemed to blame her for Ike's death. She supposed she would always blame herself, but carrying Ike's child went a long way to easing her misery.
Emily was also discovering that being near Buck did wonders for the complete desolation that had filled her since Ike's death. Ike would always have a special place in her heart, but she had great hopes for her marriage to Buck. Considering they were now married and a baby was on the way, Emily knew she had to look ahead and not wallow in the past. If nothing else, her Pa had raised her to be practical.
Little did Emily realize that Buck had no intention of disentangling himself from his grief over Ike. That grief, or so Buck thought, would save him from succumbing to his feelings for Emily.
"Rider coming," Cody called from the doorway. Kid was on his feet and out the door before Emily could blink. Lou held his horse, Katy, as he mounted and the words spoken between them were too soft anyone else to hear. Lou patted Katy's rump just as Noah passed off the mailbag to Kid.
"Welcome back Noah. You getting used to it yet?" Lou asked, her gaze following Kid as he rode away.
"I'm doing just fine Lou. Did I make it in time for supper?" he answered.
Rachel called from the porch, "Noah, you should know I'd save you
something to eat if we had already finished. Come on in and get a plate. You
have some new faces to meet too."
Noah grinned, "Food sounds mighty good." He took his hat off and he
walked inside.
Jimmy and Buck stood. Noah walked up to shake their hands. "You must
be Buck and Jimmy."
Jimmy smiled, "And you must be Noah. Nice to have you around."
Buck motioned to Emily. "Noah, I'd like you to meet my wife, Emily."
Noah looked surprised. "I didn't realize any of the riders were married."
"They're newlyweds," Cody said with a smirk.
"CODY," Rachel warned, "you quit teasing them."
"Well I guess congratulations are in order. It's a right pleasure to meet you ma'am," Noah reached to shake Emily's hand. Emily smiled in return and everyone returned to eating.
Lou wandered back in and sat next to Jimmy. "Don't tell me you are starting to worry about Kid like he worries over you," Jimmy asked her.
"NO," she said belligerently, "he's just getting a later start than usual is all." Jimmy laughed as Lou picked at the food on her plate. Lou pretended to ignore him.
Buck watched the exchange and wondered how Jimmy had hidden his feelings for Lou so long and so well. Maybe treating Emily like a sister was the answer to Buck's dilemma.
After dinner, he walked Emily back toward the station house. "Tomorrow, I'd like to start doing more; I'm not used to just lying about doing nothing at all."
"Emily, I just don't want you doing too much, too soon. You know what Doc Howard said."
She reached up to stroke his cheek. "I know that Buck, but you know I'll be careful. I want this baby very much."
Buck jumped like he had been burned. He felt her fingers on his face all the way to his soul. "Well, just be careful. I'll see you tomorrow."
Emily watched Buck's hastily retreating back, confused and worried. Soon, Rachel returned from the bunkhouse and the two women settled in for the night. Despite Emily's anxiety about Buck's strange behavior, she was soon fast asleep.
Buck, on the other hand, was not that lucky. He entered the bunkhouse to three pairs of curious eyes.
"Uh Buck, wouldn't Rachel let you stay at the house? You and Emily are married," Cody teased pointedly.
Lou sat up on her bunk, knees folded to her chest beneath the blanket. She just looked at Buck, not saying a word. Noah's ears were perked as well.
"Just go to sleep." Buck turned his back on them while he readied his bunk for the night.
Lou and Cody started speaking at once, but Jimmy's voice came loudly from under his blanket. "You heard him, leave him alone."
Everyone tried to go to sleep, but each was awake for quite some time.
"Teaspoon, I really think we oughta find a place for Emily and Buck." Rachel knew this was a problem that needed to be solved quickly. "They've been back a week now and still live apart."
"I don't rightly know, but I suspect that's one of them's choice. We might be sticking our nose in where it don't rightly belong."
"Now Teaspoon, their marriage may have begun a little differently than most, but they are married. They can't pretend they're not and we can't either. Besides, I think I heard Emily crying last night. That can't be good for the baby."
Just then, the two looked out the door of the sheriff's office as a rider came up in front of the door. Kid jumped off, tethered Katy and strolled inside.
"You just back from a run son?" Teaspoon asked.
"Yep, and I was wondering where to find Buck since he wasn't back at the station. Don't we have a house to put up for the newlyweds?"
Rachel smiled at the handsome young man. "My thoughts exactly." She looped her arm through Kid's, adjusted her shawl and looked over her shoulder at Teaspoon. "Let's go round up some help. It shouldn't take too many days if we all pitch in."
Teaspoon cocked an eyebrow as the pair sauntered down the boardwalk.
Emily had approached Buck first thing that same morning. "Since you aren't on a run today, do you think we could go on a picnic? I think we need to talk."
"Can't we talk here?" Buck replied.
"I don't think so Buck; I think we need some time alone. We don't act like a married couple and I'm tired of wondering why."
Buck studied her carefully and inhaled deeply. He'd hoped that they could continue on as they had the past week for much longer, but he could tell by Emily's determined gaze that plan was over.
During that week, his wanting her had reached a fever pitch. Every night he lay in his bunk too afraid to sleep because he knew his dreams would be full of Emily. When sleep did overtake him, he awoke drenched in sweat. He had thought he could marry her, but keep his passion in check. Instead, Buck found himself wanting her even more.
Instead of answering her, Buck moved to hitch up the buckboard. Recognizing his silent agreement, she went back in the house to fix some lunch. They met again in the front yard. Buck waved goodbye to Noah, who was working with a horse in the corral, and glanced over at the woman beside him. Buck's side was pressed against her and he felt warmth at her nearness; he shifted uncomfortably in the seat. Emily's focus remained straight ahead. Buck didn't have a clue that she was feeling the same heat as he. They traveled in silence.
Buck pulled up to a shady spot next to the creek. The grass was thick and green from a recent rain and a large tree's branches made a canopy above them. Emily was thrilled. "Oh Buck, it's truly beautiful."
"Yeah, I've always liked it here." He turned to assist her to the ground. Emily still wasn't accustomed to all the help. Even before her pa died, she had always taken care of herself and even more care of him. In that past she might have balked at Buck's constant sheltering, but he was offering it at a time when she really needed the extra care. Unconsciously, her palms went to cradle her stomach. She blushed when she saw Buck's gaze follow the movement of her hands. She watched mesmerized, as Buck's hooded eyes moved slowly up her abdomen, lingering over her small breasts, over her dainty neck and then finally reaching her gray eyes. Without thinking, she licked her lips and she saw Buck swallow hard, his throat convulsing. Her palm moved from her stomach to his cheek. As his own palm covered hers, he leaned down toward her. Her face immediately tilted to meet him and his lips lightly caressed hers, lingering for what felt like eons.
Emily felt feelings rush over her unlike anything she had ever experienced before. Buck's scent filled her nostrils and she inhaled deeply savoring him. Buck heard the light sound of her breath, and his own heart pounded. He deepened the kiss, pulling her flush against him. His tongue traced the outline of her lips and then began working between them. Emily moaned and leaned against the hard planes of his body. Her hands tightly clenched his arms as his tongue touched hers.
Buck jerked away from her quickly. She cried out, feeling bereft as his warm mouth withdrew. "Buck, I - I.." she began.
"Is that what you wanted to be alone for Emily?" Buck yelled. iHIs
His own frustrations turning his words cruel. "Did you just need someone to warm your bed?"
Emily's eyes turned furious. "How dare you Buck Cross? What possessed you to think that was my only interest in you? You think I'm a whore cause I'm pregnant? Last time I checked, I was legally your wife," she spat.
Buck instantly felt contrite. "Emily, no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."
Emily was not appeased. "I admit I did something with Ike that I wasn't supposed to, but that was my very first time. 'Course I'm sure you don't believe that. And I refuse to regret it now cause I have a part of Ike always." She was yelling louder with each statement.
"Emily, WE both have a part of Ike," Buck replied softly.
That's when it dawned on her. All of Buck's care and interest were centered on the baby; he didn't really have an interest in her. She supposed she knew that all along, but a part of her hoped he felt something for her as well.
With a heavy sigh of resignation, Emily leaned against the side of the buckboard. She took a deep breath to calm herself, the anger leaving just as quickly as it had erupted. "No Buck, I'm sorry. You have done nothing but try to help me and your best friend's baby. I should be thanking you and not yelling at you." Calmer, she continued, "Listen, maybe we should lay out how this marriage is going work, but it's not working by pretending we don't have one. What am I supposed to tell the baby? 'Your daddy lives in the bunkhouse?'"
Buck moved closer to Emily, but not so close they could touch. He didn't trust himself yet not to kiss her again. "I guess we need to see about finding a place to live. Teaspoon hasn't fired me from the Pony Express yet, but maybe we should think about doing something else. The Express doesn't usually want married men working for them."
"Oh no," Emily gasped, "I've cost you your job?"
Buck shrugged. "Truly, I wouldn't mind starting my own ranch, raising some horses. It would be tough at first, but I think we'd get by." He smiled to reassure her.
"Really Buck? That's all I ever wanted, me and Pa, to have a ranch. You know, I still have the rights to the land Pa bought. We spent almost our last dime to buy it; I was thinking to come back here and sell it for some more cash when I got too sick to travel."
Buck was jolted. He hadn't even thought about Emily and Mr. Metcalfe's ranch. He didn't like the thought of the gossip that would probably spread about him marrying her for it, but he had faced public censure his whole life. The home place wasn't much, but the land was good. He remembered the improvements that Emily had already begun on the barn before she abruptly left town two months ago.
"Buck," Emily's voice cajoled, "I know what you're thinking. You didn't even know that I still held that land when you married me. If you are leaving the Pony Express, it makes perfect sense that we start our ranch there."
"Let's eat; I'm starved." Buck changed the subject.
"Want to ride over there after we eat?" Emily could be just as stubborn.
"Maybe," Buck said dryly, but he was smiling.
It was nearly dark when Buck and Emily pulled into the station yard. Kid met them in the yard. "We were starting to worry about the two of you."
"Why," Buck laughed, "no one worries about you and Lou when you go off alone?"
Kid looked sheepish. "Guess we were just anxious to talk to you. We have a surprise for you."
"What kind of surprise?" Emily asked.
"Well, me, Rachel and the boys been planning a house-raising for you, kinda like a barn raising."
Buck and Emily smiled at one another and looked at Kid. "Would you settle for just helping us fix up a run down old ranch?" Buck responded.
"I still have rights to that old ranch my Pa bought. We've decided to fix it up." Emily added.
Kid grinned, "Well that's even better! I'm sure the boys will be glad to help. I know me and Lou would!"
"Where is Lou anyway?" Emily looked around the empty yard.
"She's gone on a run right now. Her and me talked about helping ya'll before she left." Kid's eyes filled with worry as he looked at the horizon. It was the same worried look Kid had every time Lou went on a run.
"She always comes back just fine Kid," Buck said.
"I know, but I still worry."
They walked companionably into the station, and Kid explained to the rest of the group the change in plans.
Jimmy nodded his approval. "Everything is going to work out just fine."
"Hey, how are you going to run a ranch and work for the Express?"
asked Cody.
"I would imagine that means Buck's leaving us," Jimmy said. "Am
I right?"
Buck agreed. "But I'm not moving far."
Kid smiled. "Whether you work for the Express or not, you're still family. And that includes you too Emily."
Rachel finally spoke up. "You boys better get started first thing tomorrow. You need to get that place up and running long before the baby arrives."
Buck placed his palm on Emily's stomach. He felt safe caressing her with the others near, yet he still felt his skin tingle at the contact. He loved knowing a part of Ike was still with them, but even that thought did not diminish the warmth he felt touching his wife.
Noah yawned loudly. "I suggest we all get some rest, especially with all the extra work we have in store for us."
Buck walked Emily and Rachel back toward the station house. Rachel noticed things seemed easier between the two and she was mighty grateful. Emily exuded a calmness that had not been present before. Unfortunately, Emily's sedate demeanor stemmed from her acceptance and resignation that Buck could never love her, but Rachel didn't know that.
Buck headed to the bunkhouse wondering if it were possible to love his wife anymore than he did tonight. He was beginning to be relieved that Ike's baby had given him the excuse to marry Emily because he could no longer imagine his future without her.
Kid met him outside on the bunkhouse porch. "Buck, I just have to
say I think you've done a real fine thing marrying Emily."
"You think so?" asked Buck.
"Well yeah, I mean, you are truly honoring Ike's memory by caring for Emily and the baby; not many men would do what you done."
Buck looked at Kid sternly. "Trust me Kid, it was no great sacrifice on my part." With that, Buck walked past Kid into the bunkhouse. Kid stood pondering thoughts of marriage, babies and love for a very long time.
Less than a week later, Buck and Emily's ranch was ready for it's residents.
Luckily, the two months it had been empty had not damaged the structure of either
the house or the barn very much; most of the work had gone into a new corral.
With the help of everyone, the project had become an almost fun labor in the
sharing and camaraderie. Teaspoon had even come out several times, to supervise,
he had said with a wink.
Buck was truly looking forward to working his own ranch, but he faced his first night alone with Emily with dread. The relationship had changed since their picnic; Emily was pleasant and helpful, but he felt she was more detached. That detachment should have made his own isolation easier, but instead, it only added to his frustration.
Emily's voice called across the yard. "You ready to wash up? Dinner's 'bout done."
Buck waved that he had heard her and moved toward the house, their house, as she walked back inside. He could smell the meal as he got closer and heard his stomach growl in response. Obviously this was one hunger Buck was glad to let Emily appease.
She was bustling in the kitchen and placing metal dishes on the table. Buck smiled at the domestic scene; he had not expected to experience anything so familial for many years. It was times like this that he almost wanted to pretend that the baby inside of Emily was well and truly his own.
Emily dropped a salt shaker on the floor and Buck knelt to retrieve it. He looked up at her and he was reminded of the time months before when he had laced her boot. Suddenly a sense of rightness overcame him, almost as if he was meant to be here in this house with this woman.
"Thank you Buck. You still thinking I'm helpless?"
Her words interrupted his musings and he tried to shake off the feelings inside him in deference to Ike.
"I have to take care of you and that baby," he smiled warmly.
Oh of course, Emily thought, the baby again. Pa always said I
was hardheaded; how long will it take me to remember Buck's concern is for the
baby!
Buck wasn't sure why, but she dismissed his concern with a sharp tone. "Sit
down Buck," and she moved back to the kitchen for the rest of their meal.
Their first meal was shared in silence. Emily berated herself for being so ungrateful and Buck continued to fight the battle within him. Would his love for Emily lead him to betray Ike worse than he had so far? Neither really tasted the delicious food on their plates.
Night fell on the couple much too early. Emily had fretted all day how she was going to handle being so near Buck at night and yet remain aloof. She was determined to not throw herself at the dark-skinned man who had loved his best friend enough to saddle himself with an unwanted marriage. Buck had wrestled with a similar worry. With all the care and nourishment, Emily health had improved and she positively glowed. He found her more attractive with each passing day.
All of the riders had brought them small tokens in honor of their wedding and for their new home. Emily was deeply touched by their affection. The women, Rachel and Lou, had made an extra effort to present Buck and Emily with something special. Rachel, who had just happened to be working on a beautiful quilt, presented them with it that very day; it now graced their bed. Lou, with a lot of help from Rachel, had made sure each window was curtained. Since curtains were something Emily had never got around to when she had moved in with her Pa, Emily was especially affected by Lou's thoughtfulness. Lou's womanly gift made Emily wonder just how difficult it was for Lou to continually hide her own femininity.
Emily's reflection was halted when Buck cleared his throat. He had walked in to find her staring at the bed and it's frilly quilt, her eyes soft. She stood in a long white nightgown; the size of it seemed to accentuate her petite figure. He could see her bare feet peeking out at the bottom.
"Um," his usually confident voice faltered.
Once again, Emily turned practical. "I'll take the right side, if that's okay with you?"
Buck nodded and swallowed, his throat moving convulsively with the effort. "Um, sure, that's fine with me."
With little more than a glance at Buck, she crawled into their bed. Buck's throat went dry and he told himself to just go sleep in the barn. He was never going to make it through this night, not with Emily so close.
She turned away to let him undress in privacy and when Buck got down to his long johns, he moved to the bed. Emily worked to keep her breathing even as she heard him strip off his clothes. When she felt his weight sink onto the bed, she bit her bottom lip. Just knowing his strong body was next to her made her want to groan aloud. His leg inadvertently grazed hers as he stretched out and she prayed her moan was not audible. Buck heard it though and leaned over her. Looking down at the freckles dotting her nose, he wondered if she was okay. "Emily, you aren't hurting are you?"
Her wide eyes turned to face him and Buck was lost when he saw his own desire mirrored in hers. Neither thought of Ike or of anything but the other for the next several hours.
Emily awoke the next morning to a cold bed; she knew before her eyes opened that Buck's warmth was no longer beside her. Buck's loving last night had assured Emily he felt something for her as well as the baby. The intimacy they had shared was like nothing Emily had ever even thought to experience with someone.
She sighed wistfully, thinking that her one time with Ike had not even come close to being so wonderful. At once, she felt both guilty for the comparison and reassured that she was meant to be with Buck. She quickly dressed and began to prepare breakfast.
Emily did not begin to worry until she realized that Buck's horse was gone. She had run to the barn from the house when Buck didn't answer her call. Emily's worry for Buck was quickly overtaken as a dull pain snaked across her abdomen. No one was near and she was frightened at the unaccustomed ache. She hastened to finish saddling her horse and road fast to the station house, praying all the way. Fortunately, no more pains hit her as she traveled.
It was early enough that Rachel hadn't yet left for the schoolhouse, but was outside to see Emily ride into the yard. "Honey, what's wrong?"
"Rachel, I had a pain in my stomach. It hasn't come back, but I'm scared." Emily was obviously panicked.
"Of course you are honey. Let's go in and lie down. Where's Buck?"
Emily looked at her with alarm. "I don't know." Her words were flat.
Rachel yelled at Cody to come from the barn as she guided Emily toward
the station house. "Cody, Emily is having some trouble. Go see if you can
find Buck."
Cody looked concerned. "Where is he?"
"I don't know," said Rachel impatiently. "Go find him now!" Cody took off in a flash.
Rachel watched Emily for the next hour, relieved that she had no more pains. "I suspect it was just indigestion, nothing serious."
"Buck will never forgive me if something happens to his baby. I mean, Ike's baby."
Rachel clucked her tongue. "I think you had it right the first time sweetheart -- I think Buck is more than glad to share the fatherhood with Ike. And I think he cares a whole lot more about you than you seem to realize."
Emily big gray eyes looked at Rachel with hope, but she made no reply.
Cody found Buck in the middle of a meadow. A circle of rocks was before him and smoke drifted into the air. It looked to Cody as if his Kiowa friend were praying. The back of Buck's kneeling figure looked peaceful and Cody almost hated to interrupt his tranquil meditation, especially with bad news. Cody cleared his throat very loudly.
"Yes Cody?" Buck said.
Cody shifted in the saddle, "How'd you know?"
Buck just smiled, his brown eyes clear and shining as they turned to look at Cody.
"Don't tell me it's that Indian stuff, making you 'know' things?"
Instead of taking offense, Buck laughed. He wasn't about to share his experience that morning with the arrogant Cody.
Buck had left Emily's bed that morning full of purpose. He loved her and after the night they had shared, Emily was his woman. He didn't even want to share her with Ike. Buck knew it was time to make peace, with himself and with Ike. He used an ancient Indian ritual, similar to what he had done when Ike had first been shot, and sought to reconcile his grief to his future with Emily. Just like his experience after Ike's death, he heard a bird sound overhead. This time, Ike was not saying goodbye, but seemed to be signaling his approval. Buck was just about to return home to his wife when Cody rode up.
"Buck, Emily's at the station. She was having pains."
Buck jumped to his feet and mounted his horse in one fluid motion. Cody was left to follow his dust.
Buck began dismounting his horse as soon as he entered the station. Seconds later he rushed through the front door. Lou rushed over to reassure him. "She's fine Buck. Rachel thinks it was just a passing thing." Any remaining doubts Lou had left about Buck and Emily's relationship faded the instant she saw Buck's face.
Emily looked up at her husband and was stirred by his concern. He knelt by her side, grasping her hand in his; Buck's eyes glistened with unshed tears. Tears welled in Emily's eyes responding to the emotion so apparent on his dark face. She absently caressed his hair between her fingers. "I thought you'd left me," she mumbled. "I'm sorry for the scare Buck. Rachel assures me the baby is fine; I just overreacted."
Lou and Rachel silently eased the door closed, leaving the couple alone.
"Emily, manyi, my woman, I'm not just worried about the baby. Don't you know that? I can't believe you needed me and I wasn't there." He buried his face next to hers, inhaling her scent. He lifted his head, his eyes penetrating her own. "Don't you know how much I love you?"
Emily's voice broke on a cry of joy, "Oh Buck, I love you too!"
Buck shook his head, disgusted with himself for being so blind. "Emily, I have to confess, I loved you from the first time I saw you. The guilt that I loved Ike's woman nearly killed me and I've done nothing but try to atone for that by keeping you away."
Understanding flooded Emily. "Buck, what I feel for you is like nothing I've ever felt for a man before." She continued carefully, "I think Ike would approve of us being together." She blushed, embarrassed, but wanting Buck to understand. "What we did last night, it was…"
Buck grinned, understanding what she was trying to say. "Yeah, last night was beyond words." Emily nodded with relief at not having to vocalize her meaning.
"Where did you go?"
"I went to make peace with Ike and peace with myself. I love you Emily and I don't want to spend our marriage sharing you with Ike's memory; I want to know you are truly mine. I want to love you without guilt."
"Buck, I'm yours. So is this baby in many ways. We will both always remember Ike, but I want you. I'm afraid I would even if Ike were still here." Their embrace lasted until Rachel knocked at the door. "Ya'll going to join us for dinner?"
Later, Buck and Emily left the station heading to their ranch, their home and their future together. Buck's arm was wrapped around Emily, his hand on her stomach. Emily rested her head on his shoulder and her hand on his thigh. A bird flew over their heads all the way home, his shadow on the ground behind them.
Six months later Charles Isaac Cross was born to two loving parents and a houseful of proud uncles and aunts. Charlie grew up in the sheltering love a family, secure in the warmth of their affection.
Once a year, his Ma and Pa took him to his other father's grave. Charlie always enjoyed the peaceful trip with is parents. Even his brothers and sisters were quiet and less bothersome during the annual pilgrimage.
If his parents found it odd that a bird often seemed to follow them in the sky, they never said a word. Pa would just gaze above, smile then look to Charlie and wink. All was well in Charlie Cross' world. Their family was filled with love.
