When Words Fail

by Jill

"There are times when silence has the loudest voice."
- Leroy Brownlow

Today Is Mine

Chapter 2

The sun is setting, sending out golden rays across the plains and heightening the colors of everything. Ike and Jimmy have been riding at a steady pace all afternoon, mostly without speaking, and now the air has a distinct bite to it that warns of night rapidly approaching. Ike shivers slightly as a chill runs up his spine. It's a beautiful sight, the open plane with it's vivid wild flowers and waving grasses, but to Ike it's a hollow beauty, filled with pain. The bitter smell of the sage, and the lonely whistle of the wind send Ike deep inside himself, back to the not so distant days of hopeless wandering. He can almost taste the rank, acrid smoke from one of the hundreds of fires Buck and he huddled around, trying to stave off not just the cold of the air, but of humanity as well. A pang in his stomach echoes the past spikes of hunger that were so familiar just a month ago, a physical testament to their rejection from the "civilized" world. True, there are plenty of jobs out there to keep you from going hungry, but not if you are what people call a half-breed or a freak. Unconsciously, Ike grimaces, unable to stop the memories of years of cruel words being hurled at him. But at least he had Buck.

Buck. That simple name means so many things to Ike. Another image stirs in his mind; the solemn stone walls of a mission orphanage. Ike can feel the stifling air and smell the must of ages and too many people as clearly as if he is still there. It's too imprinted on his soul to forget. Just the thought of those tall walls sets Ike's heart beating rapidly and bile rises in the back of his throat as a wave of claustrophobia washes over him. He spent five years in that mission as a prisoner; not chained in a cell, but locked in his own head! Ignored by the nuns because he was too "dumb", and persecuted by the other children because he was too "different", Ike was trapped behind an impenetrable fortress of silence, and he was ready to curl up and die. Then Buck came. Ike doubts whether anyone, even Buck, could ever understand what Buck means to him. He was Ike's personal savior. Buck carried a key that opened Ike's silent cell and released him once again into the land of the living. But more than that, he was Ike's friend, his brother. They became an inseparable team, and together they endured it all. And finally, a month ago, the God that Ike had almost stopped believing in, showered a long deserved blessing on the two misfits in the form of a poster. A poster advertising jobs for the Pony Express.

Totally oblivious to his surroundings now, Ike's grin splits his face as he thinks of Teaspoon, Emma, and the rest of the riders. Never in his wildest dreams had he dared hope that he would one day find a group of people who would see past the shinny pate and mute lips and accept him for who he is. Another emotion engulfs Ike, warm as the glowing rays of the setting sun behind him. Gratitude. Gratitude and love for these people who take the time to try and understand him, who have become his friends. No, his family.

"It'll be dark soon. I think we should make camp." Jimmy's voice startles Ike. He has forgotten all about Jimmy in his reverie.

"This place look alright to you?"

Ike looks around. They have ridden into a shallow gully surrounded by trees, and Ike can hear a creek not far away. That's about as good as it's going to get for a night in the open, so he nods 'yes' in answer to Jimmy's question.

They work quickly to get ready for the night, for it's getting darker every minute. Together, they gather wood and kindling, and soon they have a warm fire built and their bedrolls spread around it. Ike then tends to the horses while Jimmy tries to conjure up something edible. In half an hour, both Ike and Jimmy are sitting around the fire picking at their plates.

"I don't understand what I did wrong. What could be so hard about makin' biscuits?" Jimmy grumbles to no one in particular.

<It ain't the biscuits,> Ike signs to him, <It's that you made them.>

"I know, I know," Jimmy says. He needs no interpretation to understand those signs.

Ike smiles at him and then gets up, goes to his saddle bags, and grabs some jerky. He keeps it there for emergencies, and Jimmy's cooking nearly always qualifies as an emergency! As he sits back down by the fire, he throws several pieces over to Jimmy.

"Thanks, Ike."

For awhile they sit in companionable silence, eating the jerky. Jimmy studies his friend resting across from him. He's never met anyone like Ike before. At first he thought Ike was just a weakling who would cause problems for the whole group, but it didn't take Ike more than a few days to prove Jimmy wrong. Yes, Ike is very kind and has a gentle spirit, but he also possesses a quiet strength that seems to emanate from him. It's this strength and determination, coupled with a fierce loyalty for his friends that impresses Jimmy. Judging from the circumstances life has thrown at Ike, Jimmy sometimes wonders if Ike isn't the strongest one of them all. Looking at him now, Jimmy realizes that he really doesn't know all that much about Ike. He knows that Ike and Buck were both at the same orphanage and that Buck taught him how to use Indian Sign Language. He also knows what Ike told them about his family's deaths before he testified at Nickerson's trial, but that's about it.

"Hey, Ike?"

Ike lifts his head at the sound of his name.

"What were ya thinkin' about as we rode today?" Jimmy asks curiously, finding it hard to make conversation with this silent man, but willing to give it a try.

Ike is a little surprised. That's not what he had expected Jimmy to ask him. Jimmy has never shown that much interest in what he is thinking.

<Bits of everything. The past. You guys,> Ike gestures slowly, and improvises a little, hoping it will help Jimmy understand him better. He is worried that the darkness of the night will further hamper Jimmy's limited ability to comprehend his signs.

Jimmy nods that he understands.

"How long have you 'n Buck been friends?"

Ike thinks for a minute then holds up eight fingers.

"Eight years, huh. That's a long time." Jimmy is quiet for a while, wondering what to say next. Finally he speaks again. "So ya met him when ya first went to the orphanage, right?"

<No. I was at the mission before Buck came,> Ike replies, and shutters slightly at the anticipated feeling of despair that mentioning that time of his life brings.

Jimmy is confused now, and it shows in his face. He thought Ike and Buck had been together since they were little. But that means...

"So how'd ya talk ta people before ya met him?"

Ike scrutinizes Jimmy before answering. No one has ever really taken the time to ask him questions before, except for Buck, but Jimmy does seem genuinely worried.

<I didn't,> Ike answers bluntly, his mouth a hard line as he remembers.

"Couldn't ya write things down fer people er somethin'?" Jimmy asks, concerned.

<I didn't know how to read or write. No one would teach me. They thought I was too dumb to learn.> Ike's signs betray the hurt and frustration he tries to hide.

When Ike's hands stop moving, Jimmy just sits staring at him, trying to digest what he has just been told. He may not be fluent in sign language yet, but he doesn't have to be to comprehend this message. Ike's expressive face carries too much pain for Jimmy to misunderstand. For the first time Jimmy starts to realize what Ike has been through.

Ike is watching Jimmy intently. He can practically see Jimmy's brain absorbing this new information, and he swears he sees a new look of respect on his face.

"For how long?" Jimmy finally asks.

<Five years.>

This is followed by another lengthy pause and finally a quiet, "I'm sorry."

<It's alright, it was a long time ago,> Ike tells him.

"No, I'm also sorry I ever doubted yer abilities."

<As long as you don't now, that's what matters,> Ike says with a grin to let Jimmy know it's okay.

"Well, I guess we'd better hit the sack," Jimmy says. "We gotta get to Ft. Laramie by tomorrow."

<Right,> Ike agrees. They both lie down on their bedrolls and before long are sleeping peacefully.

To chapter 3