WITHOUT YOU
WITHOUT YOU
Meanwhile, at the Number 10 Saloon, Carl Mann, the owner and bartender, was overhearing a most interesting conversation concerning Wild Bill Hickok.
"He shot him. Sheriff Brown told me so. Said he was trying to jump his claim, but the claim ain't even his. Belongs to two brothers, Lou and James Cross. Word 'round town is ol' Wild Bill is friends of theirs and he's protectin' their interests. That means there's gold out there. We could take care of Wild Bill and get rich at the same time."
"Sounds good ta' me, Silas. When do ya' wanna make our move?" The man missing his front teeth asked.
"Say tomorrow night. Supposed to be a full moon, won't have any trouble findin' our way out there. 'Sides that'll give us time to get everythin' ready. Ya' meet up with Joe and let 'im in on the particulars. " Silas paused and added, "Oh, and don't go shootin' your mouth off to anyone. I don't want word of this spreadin', else Wild Bill will get the drop on us. He's gonna pay for what he did to Shorty."
"Got it, Silas. I'll keep my trap shut. You can count on me, boss."
The toothless man quickly got up and exited the saloon. The man named Silas took a table and stayed behind to get drunk. Once the bartender thought Silas was deep enough into his cups, he ushered Bill Avery over and told him what he overheard.
"Bill, you know where that claim is Hickok is guardin'?"
"Thereabouts. I'll head out right now and warn 'em. Won't do any good for my poker buddy to have his life saved one day only to have it snuffed out the next week. And by the likes of 'im no less." He dryly commented, cocking his head towards Silas. "Anything else you want me to tell 'im?"
"Just that I'm goin' to see Sheriff Brown and let him know what's goin' on. Maybe we'll get lucky and one or all of these boys will be wanted. Save us all a lot of trouble. 'Course we probably won't be that lucky."
They weren't that lucky.
"Sorry Carl, don't have any posters on anybody fittin' that description. Ain't nothing I can do. You sent Avery out to warn Hickok, that's 'bout all we can do for now. 'Sides, all they've done is talk about killin' him. Cain't do nothing 'til they actually try somethin'. Hickok can take care of himself. And I've heard tell that kid out there can take care of himself just the same. Heard what happened over at the saloon with Jack McCall last week. Darnest thing, savin' Wild Bill like that. Never thought anybody'd be able to get the drop on him. Lucky that kid was there when he was."
"Well, thanks, sheriff. Thought it was worth seein' if they were wanted or not. But if they follow through with their talk they're gonna be wanted mighty soon."
"Like I said, Carl, Hickok can take of himself. I ain't worried too much."
A few hours later, Bill Avery arrived at the claim site just in time to see Jimmy kissing Lou, who was still dressed as a man.
"Jimmy, you can't just haul off and kiss me any time you want!" Lou objected.
He kissed her again. "You mean like that?"
"That's exactly what I meant."
He kissed her yet again.
"Cut that out, Jimmy!"
"But I like kissin' ya', Lou."
"But it's daylight. What are the other miners gonna think if they see you kissin' me?"
"They're gonna think Wild Bill has good taste in women."
"Ahem". They heard someone clear their throat. Both of them turned, their faces flushed red, knowing it wasn't their son that had caught them kissing.
"Sorry, Hickok, didn't mean to interrupt. Ma'am." Avery tipped his hat to Lou.
Jimmy walked over to Avery and shook his hand. "What brings you out here, Bill? Oh, by the way, this is my intended, Lou…Louise."
"Howdy ma'am. Like I said, sorry for interruptin'." He turned back to Jimmy, "But it's real important. You 'member that gunman who ambushed you out here a few days back?"
Jimmy nodded.
"Well, he's got friends. Three of 'em. And they're all headed out here tomorrow night ta' take care of ya'. Plannin' on takin' all three of ya' out and stealing the gold while they're at it. Carl, at the saloon, told me ta' tell ya'. I'll stay on and help ya' out, if'n you want."
"We'd appreciate that, Avery."
The rest of the day passed without incident.
It turned out Bill Avery cooked a mean rabbit stew and they all ate well at suppertime. They made idle chitchat around the fire, when Lou broached the subject that had been bugging her all afternoon.
"Mr. Avery, how'd you know I was a woman when you walked into camp?"
"Well, ma'am, you were kissin' Wild Bill and he's rather partial to the ladies, if'n ya' know what I mean." He blushed from his head to his toes. "'Sides, darn near everyone in town knows you're a woman. It's mighty hard to hide a figure like yours."
Jimmy gave her an 'I told you so' grin and continued eating his stew.
"'Cept those three comin' after ya'll. They specifically called you and Jimmy brothers. I figure they never seen ya', ma'am, else they wouldn't be callin' ya' no boy." Avery added.
Lou flushed and chose to drop the subject.
Anticipation set in his eyes, Jimmy asked, "So, Hickok, what's the plan for tomorrow?"
"I'm working on one now, son." He emphasized the word son, just to antagonize the boy, hoping Avery wouldn't pick up on it.
Of course he did, but chose to wait to ask about it.
Jimmy's eyes narrowed on his father. Noting the exchange between father and son, Lou tried to diffuse the situation.
"Jimmy, why don't you go collect some more firewood before it gets too dark?" She tried persuading her son.
"Sure, ma." Stressing the word ma, he stalked off to get the firewood.
"Mr. Hickok! Can I talk to you a moment - over here?" Lou didn't wait for answer but walked toward his tent. As soon as they were out of earshot of Avery, she folded her arms and lit into Jimmy. "What is goin' on with you and Jimmy? You two have been buttin' heads all afternoon."
"Lou, everytime he calls me 'Hickok' it gets to me - and he knows it."
"Jimmy, it was your idea for him to call you Hickok, if you'll remember."
"Yeah, but I didn't want him to take me up on it - although I kinda knew he would." He said, dejected that his son was in a sense rejecting him as his father.
Feeling sorry for him, Lou said, "Listen, Jimmy, I'll talk to him again. He's just confused. It's just been the two of us for so long that for him to suddenly have a father again…"
"Again! Lou, Buck was never his father!" He exclaimed.
"That's not what I meant. But since you bring it up, Buck was there for both of us when we needed him. Which is more than I can say for you!" She huffed. But as soon as she saw the effect her words had on him she quickly added, "Aw, Jimmy. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I guess our son isn't the only one that's confused. It's just been so hard since we've been on our own. We've had to rely on each other so much. That's why we're here searchin' for gold - we need a more normal life than this. But Jimmy, finding you - my God, I never thought I'd see you again. When I think about what would have happened if we hadn't come to the Black Hills when we did - if Jimmy hadn't snuck off to town to try and talk to you…you would have died that day."
"What did you just say?"
"You would have died."
"No, before that."
"He went to talk to you."
"He did? You're not makin' that up?"
"No. That's what he told me the night you showed up. He'd known you were in town. He didn't tell me about you bein' there 'cause he said he didn't want me ta' get hurt again. Jimmy, I had no idea you were in Deadwood, otherwise I woulda come see you…" She trailed off.
He took her in his arms and comforted her. "Lou." Kissing the top of her head, he continued, "Lou, it's alright. I'm just surprised he'd want to talk to me is all."
As if on cue, their son chose that moment to return with an armload of firewood. He piled it up near the fire and sat on a log near Avery.
Jimmy eyed his mother in Hickok's arms and sighed. He so wanted to be able to call Hickok his pa it almost hurt. But getting hurt was the one thing he was afraid of. He'd seen what hurt had done to his mother over the years. And when he was old enough to understand, he also saw what having too much pride had done to his mother as well. Maybe if she hadn't rejected his father's help when he was younger, maybe they would have gotten back together sooner, maybe then he'd be able to call him 'pa' without wondering if he was gonna take off at the first sign of trouble.
'You know he's not gonna take off. Look at the way he looks at ma.' Jimmy told himself. 'He loves her and ma said he loves you, too. 'Sides look at the trouble we're in now and he's still here. Maybe if I lay off the 'Hickok' stuff and try gettin' along with him.' He sighed again. 'Yeah and what if as soon as I start callin' him pa he leaves us?' It was the same question he'd asked himself everyday since he'd first seen him in the saloon.
Jimmy remembered what it was like thinking Buck was his father and then to have his mother pack up the two of them and run off one day when Buck was in town. He didn't understand why she would run away from his daddy and it wasn't until they moved in with Auntie Emma a few years later that he understood. Buck wasn't his real father. His real father was somebody with the same first name as him. He was a man his ma was really mad at, but she told Auntie Emma she still loved him. He couldn't understand why he couldn't be with his real pa.
One day when his ma was outside hanging the washing with Auntie Emma, he had snuck into his mother's room and looked for the letter he'd heard them talking about earlier in the day - the one from his real father. His ma had come in and caught him, but not before he'd read it. He remembered his father said he loved his ma five whole times in the letter, but he also remembered he said he couldn't be a part of their lives. Jimmy didn't know if that meant he really couldn't be a part of their lives or just plain didn't want to be. But he suspected the first one. After all you didn't tell somebody you loved them five times in a letter without meaning it. Did you?
Bill Avery, noticing the young man's audible sighing and forlorn expression, tried talking to him. Seeing the direction of his gaze he had a good idea what was troubling him. "Must be hard." He said.
"Huh?"
"I said it must be hard. Seein' your ma with another. How long's your pa been gone?" Avery asked.
"All my life."
"Sorry to hear that. So it's just been you and your ma, huh?"
"Yeah." He said simply.
"It'll be different for ya' now, having a pa around."
"I've had one all along."
Misunderstanding Jimmy's meaning, Avery kept talking. "But now you'll have someone to talk to, get advice from, talk your problems out with someone man-to-man. Nothin' against your ma, I'm sure she's a real nice lady, but sometimes a boy your age just needs another man around. Ma's can only do so much."
"My ma's just fine. I don't need nobody else." With that, Jimmy got up and headed for the tent he shared with his ma.
'Prickly as a pear from South Texas, that one is.' Avery thought to himself, shaking his head.
Seeing his chance to talk to his son, Jimmy left Lou and walked the short distance to the tent. "Jimmy, it's me your…uh, it's me. Can I talk to you?"
"I'm tired, Hickok. I just want to go to sleep. Cain't it wait 'til tomorrow?"
"I won't take long. I just have a question I wanted to ask you."
"Aw, alright. C'mon in."
Jimmy ducked down and entered the tent. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the light difference. He found his son lying on his bedroll reading a dime novel. "You know most of those stories are just lies, made up to sell a story, don't ya'?"
His son threw the book down and sighed disgustedly. "I thought you said you wanted to ask me somethin', not lecture me on my reading material."
"Right, sorry." He cleared his throat. "Ahem. What I wanted to ask you is well…I asked your mother to marry me."
"I already know that." He whispered to himself. Of course his father heard him, but chose to ignore the comment.
"Well, I wanted your permission to marry her. It's only right, my asking you, you being her only relative for me to ask."
"What if I said no?" He hedged.
"Well then I guess I'd have to respect that. But it would make your ma awfully unhappy." He paused for a moment and asked, "Why would you want to say no?"
"'Cause we're fine without you. 'Cause you hurt her bad before and I don't want you to hurt her again."
"Fair enough. But I'm not plannin' on hurtin' her again. I'm not goin' anywhere this time and whatever comes our way we'll face it together…as a family." Jimmy said.
"Do you love her?"
"More than you'll ever know."
"Then you meant what you said in your letter to her?" His son asked.
"What letter?"
"The letter you sent her when I was little. You told her you loved her five times in it."
"You read that?" Surprised his son had counted how many times he had said 'I love you'.
Jimmy looked sheepishly at his father and admitted he had. "Ma caught me. She was kinda upset I had read it, but then that's when she explained to me about you and how Buck wasn't really my father. I didn't understand why you couldn't be with us. I thought you didn't want to be."
The younger Jimmy sat in silence waiting for him to admit he didn't want to be with him. When his father got up, Jimmy feared the worse. But his father quickly sat back down, right next to him. Shakily putting an arm around his shoulders, his father explained how much it had hurt him to write that letter and to tell his ma to get on with her life without him; how he really wanted to be there with the two of them; how he regretted ever giving them up in the first place; and how now that they'd found each other again he was never letting them go again. When he was finished, his father had unshed tears in his eyes just wanting to escape.
Jimmy quietly asked, unsure of the answer but needing to know just the same, "Hickok?"
He sighed, "Yeah, Jimmy?"
"Is it alright with you if…I mean, can I call you pa?"
The father's unshed tears suddenly fell to the ground.