WITHOUT YOU
WITHOUT YOU
It didn't take Jimmy long to figure out what Lou and their son were doing in Deadwood - it was the same thing that initially drew himself there - gold.
They had been spotted at the mercantile buying mining supplies a few weeks ago.
He headed to the land office to find out where their claim was located.
Finding them was more difficult than he thought because he didn't know what last name they were using. He definitely knew it couldn't be "Hickok" because he would have heard about it around town.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Hickok. There's no Lou Hunter either. Can you think of any other name they might be using?" The clerk asked.
Defeated, Jimmy shook his head no.
"Thanks for your time, Horace."
"Wish I could have been more help, Mr. Hickok."
As Jimmy headed for the door, it dawned on him what name they would still be using after all these years. "Cross."
"Excuse me?"
"Cross. Try looking under Cross." Jimmy repeated.
Horace reopened the ledger and quickly located Lou and James Cross. He proudly gave Jimmy the location of their claim and Jimmy headed to the assayer's office.
On his way there he fought down the irritation he felt at the knowledge they were still using Buck's name. But he managed to push the thoughts aside and concentrated on seeing Lou again.
"James Running Buck, where have you been? I've had to do all the work myself for the third day in a row now."
"Sorry, ma." He mumbled to Lou.
One look at her son and Lou knew something was wrong.
"Jimmy, what happened in town?" She asked.
"Nothin'." Came his unconvincing reply.
"Doesn't look like nothin'. You look like you've seen a ghost. Please don't tell me you had to use that." She said, pointing to his gun.
"Leave it be, ma. I'm fine."
"Dang it, Jimmy. I just want you to be careful. You're all I've got in this world and I don't want any harm coming to you. 'Sides, I know you. Sometimes you can be as hot-headed as your father."
"Don't say it, ma. I'm nothing like him!" Came his heated response. Jimmy grabbed the pick ax nearby and started chipping away at the rock containing their precious gold vein in it.
Lou wondered what was bothering her son, but knew that trying to push him for answers when he was in such a mood would get her nowhere. In so many ways he was exactly like his father.
Ah, Jimmy. She wondered where he was right now and what he was doing. Did he still think about her and lil' Jimmy? Lil' Jimmy. Shoot, he was practically full grown now - a man in his own right. Lou didn't want to think about it. She wished he could stay eternally young so he'd always be with her. She knew that could never happen, but she wished for it just the same.
She had no idea what she was going to do when the time came that Jimmy would leave her. She'd be alone - utterly alone in the world.
Lou decided she'd spent enough time on these maudlin thoughts and joined her son, chiseling away to find their fortune.
It was dusk by the time Jimmy finally reached their campsite.
One snap of a twig by Jimmy led to him being drawn on by both Lou and James. When James realized who it was standing in their camp he slowly, but reluctantly lower his gun.
"What are you doin' here?" The boy said sarcastically.
Lou still didn't recognize who it was and hadn't lower her Colt. "Jimmy, you know this person?" She asked of her son.
He reached over and lowered her gun. "Yeah. And so do you. Take a closer look."
As she walked closer to the stranger, recognition dawned on her. "Jimmy? My gosh, is that you?"
"Yeah, Lou, it's me." Jimmy croaked out his reply. God, she was more beautiful than he remembered - even if she was still dressing as a man. She was more rounded and filled out her clothes much more than she used to, making it much harder for her to pass for a man - at least in Jimmy's eyes it did.
Lou choked out a laugh at Jimmy's appearance, so changed from the last time she'd seen him. "Good Lord, Jimmy, look at you. Someone's gotten more vain than Cody." She enveloped him in an embrace full of her mixed emotions - love, astonishment and hurt. Love for the man she had never quit thinking of; astonishment because she never thought the day would come that she'd see him again; and hurt because it had taken him so long to find them.
Jimmy hugged her back, loving the feel of having her in his arms again.
Lou suddenly pulled back, as awareness set in. She turned to her son. "You knew he was here. This is what had you so upset this afternoon, isn't it?" She didn't wait for an answer, but started right in on Jimmy. Turning back to him, her mothering instinct was on full alert. "What did you do to him, Jimmy? What did he have to see because of you, huh? Did you kill somebody and our son witnessed it?" She poked him in the chest with each question. "You have no right to him anymore, Jimmy. He's my son now."
"Lou…"
"Don't you 'Lou' me. I mean it Jimmy. You can't just…"
She never finished her sentence because Jimmy grabbed her and kissed her with such fierce intensity every thought in her head fled.
"God, I missed you, Lou. I want to be a part of your lives. I'm not trying to take Jimmy away from you. I'd never even think of doing something like that to you. As a matter of fact, I have our son to thank for my life. He saved me today, Lou. In more ways than one." He explained to her.
"What do you mean he saved you?" She asked, her senses still reeling from his kiss.
Jimmy stood motionless, lost in thought over the day's events. When he woke up this morning, never would he have believed that he'd almost die, be rescued by his own son, finding the long lost love of his life, and finally be given a second chance at having a family. This time around he'd let his reputation be damned…he had a family to protect and a family to spend the rest of his life with and he wasn't going to fail them again.
Lou's insistent questioning brought him out of his reverie.
"Jimmy, what are you brooding about?"
"I'm not brooding." He protested.
"Yes, you are - you always get that look on your face when something's troublin' you."
"Actually, Lou, troubles are the last thing on my mind. For once I feel right as rain." He pulled her into his arms once again, soaking up the feel of her. She felt so perfect, so right.
And for the first time in his life, Jimmy had the courage to speak aloud from his heart.
"Lou, without you I'm not okay. Without you I've lost my way. I know I've waited way too long to say this to you in person, but I love you, Lou. I always have and I always will. I never want to be without you again. For whatever time I have left in this world - be it five minutes or 50 years - I want to spend it with you and Jimmy. Lou, I've missed so much of his life and yours.
"Whether you like it or not, Lou, you're stuck with me. Nothin' or no one is gonna keep me from you. So, Lou, would you make an honest man outta me?" Jimmy knelt down before her. "Will you marry me?"
Lou took a step back. "For how long, Jimmy?"
He abruptly stood up. "What do you mean for how long?" He asked, irritated at her question.
"Just what I said, for how long? How long until you decide it's too dangerous for us to be near you? How long until you decide we'd be better off and safer without you? So how long, Jimmy? How long until you decide what's best for us, huh?"
"Lou, I'm sorry for what I did to you and Jimmy. I'm sorry I abandoned you. I'm sorry I didn't come and see you. And, Lou…oh, God Lou, I'm sorry about the letters you sent. I was so confused. I loved you then, but I didn't know what I should do about it. I was so afraid of you getting hurt because of me I thought I was doing the right thing by lettin' you go. Lettin' you go was the worst thing I could have done to myself...and you."
Suddenly a gut-wrenching thought came to him. "Uh, Lou, you haven't found someone else have you?" He stammered out the words. "I mean I know 15 years is an awful long time to wait for a lunkhead like me."
She smiled at him. "No,
Jimmy, there's never been anybody else but you. I never found anyone else to
replace my love for you." She reached out her hand and caressed his cheek.
"I can't help it, but I still love you, Jimmy Hickok." She leaned
in and kissed him, a chaste kiss, but one filled with promise.