WITHOUT YOU
WITHOUT YOU
August 2, 1876 - Deadwood, South Dakota
Jimmy had noticed the young man, who sat alone playing solitaire at a table across the room, three days ago. Each day he arrived, he went to the bar and ordered the same thing - a sarsaparilla and a cheese sandwich. Jimmy inwardly chuckled to himself at this request - the same order he'd placed countless times before while working for the Express.
Thoughts of the Pony Express inevitably led him to thoughts of Lou and their son. He had lost them both due to his stubbornness and fear. Yes, fear. He could finally admit to himself that was what kept him from making a life with them.
He had tried to convince himself and everyone else it was for Lou's safety and his reputation as Wild Bill that caused him to keep his distance. But he now knew he was hiding behind that very reputation to keep his heart safe. He had never allowed himself to get close to anyone since.
During his Express days, he had finally allowed himself to get close to the other riders. They had formed a bond as a family of sorts, but as the Express came to an end, so did that bond.
Looking back, Jimmy realized he was partly to blame, especially where Lou was concerned. He had lost track of Lou shortly after he found out about his son…their son.
Jimmy knew he should have went to see Lou and explain things instead of taking the easy way out by sending a letter. Never in his life had James Butler Hickok taken the coward's way out, but in this once instance he had. And he'd regret it as long as he lived.
He'd stood up to men with a steely gaze and unflinching accuracy with his gun, but he wasn't able to stand up to a slip of a woman that held his heart because he knew he would lose.
Not long after he had sent Lou the letter, Jimmy received one in return - from Buck. He informed Jimmy that Lou had took off for parts unknown after she read his letter, taking little Jimmy with her. Reading between the lines, he felt Buck's anger and contempt and Jimmy couldn't blame him. Buck also advised him that whatever Jimmy had written to her wounded her badly and he thought Jimmy should set out and try to find her. Which is exactly what Jimmy did. Only just as he, himself, had done six years earlier, Lou had vanished.
That had been nine years ago.
Since that time, Jimmy lived up to his reputation as Wild Bill and tried hard to lose himself in women, whiskey and cards. He had succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. He'd be hard to recognize as the dandy he had become compared to the Jimmy he was in his youth during his Express days. There were many days he stared hard at himself in the mirror and didn't recognize the man staring back at him.
As time passed, Jimmy thought his love for Lou and the hurt he felt in her disappearance would vanish just as she had, but he was wrong. His feelings for her had only deepened and the shadows ate away at him. That's why he drank. He stayed sober enough to win at cards and keep his wits about him in case he got called out, but stayed inebriated enough to numb the pain he'd caused himself by letting down Lou and their son.
Whenever these melancholy thoughts began to take hold, Jimmy would decide it was time for another shot of whiskey. And this was one of those times. He scraped back his chair and headed toward the bar.
As he passed by, Jimmy noticed the young man playing solitaire staring intensely at him. He vaguely looked familiar to him, but couldn't quite place him. Jimmy decided he'd better keep a close eye on him in case he was related to someone he had killed. It wouldn't be the first time a brother or cousin of someone he'd shot and killed had come gunning for Wild Bill in retribution.
In the time that he was gone from his seat, his friend, Bill Avery, had taken his chair. Knowing Wild Bill's penchant for sitting with his back to the wall, his "friends" would sometimes steal his seat in humor to get Jimmy riled up. Today was no different, only this time Avery refused to move. Jimmy considered drawing on him to make him move, but in the end he reluctantly took the empty seat with his back to the door.
Soon after, the young man went to the bar and ordered another sandwich. Jimmy looked down at his cards, but kept one eye on the other man all the time. As he was dealt the final card, the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and all his senses tingled. The shadows he lived with were back.
Jimmy slowly reached toward his gun, knowing he was already too late. He looked towards the bar and saw the gun aimed his direction, held by the young man. He heard the words, "Take that Wild Bill!" Then the inescapable sound of gunfire. Jimmy waited for the stinging pain to come, but it never did. Slow from the whiskey, Jimmy jumped up and aimed at the young man at the bar, but he had already lowered his smoking gun. Then Jimmy turned around and saw the dead man lying at his feet behind him. He recognized him as Jack McCall.
Jimmy glanced back at the bar, but the young man had resumed his seat and started playing solitaire, acting as if he hadn't just saved another man's life. Jimmy holstered his gun and stared toward the young man he now owed his life to.
"Damn, Hickok! Even when you're about to die, you still win. You've got a pair of Aces and Eights here. You won the kitty." Bill Avery shouted to him.
Jimmy waved him off. "Keep it. I'm finished."
Jimmy decided he was finished with more than just the next hand of poker. Not since his Express days had someone actually saved his life. It was a feeling he hadn't realized he missed until just now…the feeling that someone cared enough to stick their neck out for him. And he had absolutely no idea who this someone was. But he intended to find out.
He took the chair next to the young man and realized this young man was more boy than man. "I'm mighty obliged to you for saving my life."
The kid shrugged and kept playing cards. "Weren't nothin'."
Jimmy held his hand out to the kid, introducing himself, "Name's James Hickok."
The kid refused to shake his hand. "I know who you are Wild Bill." He hotly retorted.
Not understanding the kid's hostility towards him, Jimmy tried another tactic. "What's your name, son?"
The kid visibly flinched. He began gathering his cards to leave. "My brother will be lookin' for me. I gotta go." The kid stood and stared for the door. Jimmy grabbed him by the arm and turned him around. As if he'd been burned, the kid jerked back.
"At least tell me the name of the man that saved my life." Jimmy pleaded with him.
At the word 'man' the kid stood a little taller and relaxed a little…but only a little. Jimmy noticed all the signs of someone trying to hide his identity and was about to give up when the kid replied, "Jimmy. My name's Jimmy."
"Jimmy what?" The older Jimmy asked, holding his breath with anticipation.
With all the bravado the younger Jimmy could muster, he strongly replied, "James Running Buck…Hickok." With that the kid ran out of the saloon.
He took off after him, but the kid had disappeared before Jimmy had a chance to get out the door. He had vanished. Just like his mother had 9 years before. Only this time Jimmy wasn't going to let them go.