WITHOUT YOU
WITHOUT YOU
Cody left the following morning. He figured he had said what he had come there to say and there wasn't any point in hanging around to see if he had knocked any sense into Jimmy.
He hadn't seen Jimmy since he stormed out of the restaurant the night before and wasn't entirely sure when he'd be seeing him again after the tongue-lashing he gave him. In a strange way Cody felt like he was Teaspoon trying to knock some sense into one of his 'boys'. How did Teaspoon ever manage it?
Cody thought he'd go through Sweetwater on his way back to Buck and Lou's to see Rachel. It had only been a couple of months since he'd seen her last, but she had no idea about little Jimmy. Plus, he wanted to talk over the situation of Jimmy's stubbornness with her and see if she could come up with something.
A few weeks later, Cody and Rachel arrived at Lou and Buck's ranch.
Lou was shocked, but happy to see Rachel.
"Louise, why didn't you tell me about little Jimmy?" Rachel admonished.
"I just couldn't, Rachel. I didn't want Jimmy to find out unless he came back to me." Lou said. "But why do I have a feeling he knows about him now?" She looked right at Cody. The look on his face gave him away. "You never were one to keep a secret, Billy Cody."
"I'll have you know that he already knew. Said he'd been by here a few months ago to finally come see you. Then he saw little Jimmy playing around outside. He knew all about you and Buck being 'married' and he thought the kid was you and Buck's. I do have to admit though I had to set him straight on who the father was." He held up his hand and said, "Now hold on before you go gettin' all upset, there's somethin' else you need to know."
"What could be worse than knowin' he was here and didn't come see me?" Lou asked.
"Well you might want to sit down for this." Lou sat and Cody continued. "Er, well, all them letters you wrote to him…he was the one that sent them back."
Lou was stunned. She had no idea what to say…or think for that matter.
Rachel put a comforting arm around her. "I'm sure Jimmy had his reasons, Lou." Then she looked up at Cody. "He did have a good reason, didn't he, Cody?" Rachel pleaded with him.
"Good reason? No, not in my opinion. He gave me some bull about not wantin' to put Lou in any danger because of his reputation as Wild Bill."
"Danger? Danger! I was in more danger ridin' for the Express than I ever would be around him!" Lou was pacing now, frantically. "Okay, there was that one time in Willow Springs when I got kidnapped and almost hung because of him."
Rachel gasped.
Lou cringed. "Oh, I guess we musta never told you about that."
She explained the whole incident to them both. When she was finished Cody was the first to speak up.
"Lou, you're not gonna want to hear this, but maybe Jimmy's got a point. I mean look at what happened when his reputation as Wild Bill was still young. Now it's grown all out of proportion. You'd be in constant danger." He knew that wasn't what she wanted to hear, but he was actually starting to see things from Jimmy's point of view. Jimmy had loved Lou enough to let her go so he could protect her.
Buck and little Jimmy took that moment to return from their fishing outing.
"Unca Codee! You came back!" He launched himself into Cody's arms.
"Just like I said I said I would, big boy." He sat him away from him and asked, "Did you miss me?"
"I sure did!" Came the little boy's reply. Then he ran to Lou and chatted excitedly about the huge fish he caught. "See, mama, lookie. It's bigger than daddy's fish."
Buck held up his small fish. They all started chuckling.
"Buck you're not a very good fisherman." Cody told him.
"Yeah, well you shoulda seen the one that got away."
They all laughed some more.
Buck crossed the room to Rachel and hugged her tight. "It's so good to see you. Did you get some time off?"
"Something like that. I heard I had a nephew up here that I'd never seen so I came right away."
"Are you my Aunt Rachel?" Jimmy asked of her.
"I'm sure am, sweetie pie." She smiled.
"Mama and daddy have told me all about you and my Unca Teapoo."
"That's Teaspoon, baby cakes." Lou tried to hide her smile.
"That's what I said, mama. Unca Teapoo. Can I go play now?"
"Yeah, but stay close by." The little boy scampered out the door.
"Lordy, but wait 'til Teaspoon hears his new name." Came Rachel's remark. "Louise, you really need to tell him about Jimmy."
"I will now that everyone knows. Oh, Rachel, I just didn't know what to do. Buck's been so wonderful." She walked over and took his hand in hers. "I don't know what I'd have done without you."
"Yeah, well, I've got to go clean these fish for supper. You comin' Cody?"
"Sure, sure. As long as I don't have to eat that puny one you caught." He clapped him on the back and they headed out the door.
"He's found someone in town, you know. He thinks I don't know." Lou told Rachel. "I'm in the way. He'd never tell me so, but it's true. How can he court someone with me and Jimmy here? Oh, Rachel, what am I going to do? Jimmy thinks Buck is his father. And even though that's not true, how can I take Jimmy away from the only daddy he's ever known?" Lou was sobbing by now.
"Oh, honey, don't worry about it now. As Teaspoon always says, 'Family takes care of family.' We'll figure something out. We always do."
"But, Rachel, I do have to worry about it now. Buck can't keep his life on hold forever just because of me. If only Jimmy wouldn't be so stubborn about his reputation. Why couldn't he just change his name and move far away where no one would recognize him?"
"I hate to say this, Lou, but I don't think that would work. He's been in Harpers Weekly and that paper's from New York. I don't know of anywhere he could go where someone wouldn't spot who he was right off, even if he shaved his mustache and cut his hair. He's just too well known. I think Cody's right and Jimmy, too. Although he really needs to come see you and little Jimmy. I think he should be able to manage that without causing too much of a stir."
The very next day a letter arrived for Lou - it was from Jimmy.
My Dearest Lou-
I've sat and stared at this blank sheet of paper for days, not knowing what to write, not knowing how to tell you what's in my heart.
I love you, Lou. I've loved you since we first found out you were a girl. I love you with all my heart and I'll love you and our son 'til the day I die.
If circumstances were different I'd have never left you and I'd be there with you in place of this letter. But the way things are in my life, I can't. I'll never be able to hold you in my arms again. I'll never have the chance to watch our son grow up. And we'll never be able to grow old together.
But know this, I will always be there with you - in my heart and in my thoughts.
I can't risk the danger you and our son would be in if I returned to you. I know this isn't what you want to hear and this isn't a choice I'm making light-heartedly.
I want you to move on with your life - find someone safe, someone you can spend the rest of your life with. I don't want you to be in fear for your life and our son's, that's why I have to let you go - let you both go.
I will send money when I can. I've developed a real talent for card playing.
Please know that I will always love you,
Jimmy
There were dried tearstains on the letter and soon her tears were joining his.
Inside the envelope she found a large stack of bills. She let them fall to the floor.
She hugged the letter to her chest and cried herself out.