WITHOUT YOU
WITHOUT YOU
Once Cody reached Hays City, it didn't take him long to locate Jimmy. He just had to mention the name 'Hickok' and everyone instantly knew who he was talking about.
Cody found Jimmy, of all places, in the local saloon playing poker. He waited until he finished his hand to approach him.
"Hey, Cody. I thought that was you I saw come in. How the hell are ya'?" Jimmy stood and shook his hand. He picked up his winnings and announced, "I'm out, fellas." To Cody he said, "Why don't we go over to the restaurant and talk, it won't be so noisy?" He proceeded to walk out without even giving Cody a chance to say anything. Cody obligingly followed him out.
"Hey, Jimmy, wait up. Where are you off to in such an all fired hurry?"
Jimmy whirled on him. "I know why you're here. It's because Lou sent you, isn't it?"
"No, as a matter of fact she'd tan my hide if she knew I was here talking to you."
"She needs to just leave me be. I don't want ta' see her. Doesn't she realize I'd only put her in danger just by being near her? You know how my reputation has grown out of hand, I get called out at least once a week by some young kid trying to make a name for himself. I usually shoot them in the hand or foot and be done with it, but sometimes that ain't enough. Sometimes they get up and try shooting me in the back as I'm walking away. Then I have to kill 'em. Do you have any idea how that feels, Cody? I'm not asking for all this trouble, but there it is. So before you ask, the answer's no. I'm not going to see her."
"How'd you know she's wanting to see you? She told me she hasn't been able to get in touch with you. She's been sending you letters for the last five years and they get sent back." Then it dawned on him, "You low-down son of a…you got her letters all along and you sent 'em back, didn't you?" Jimmy didn't see Cody's fist until it was too late. Cody laid him flat with one punch. Jimmy just lay there in the dirt, staring at him.
"Happy now, Cody? Does that make you feel any better?" Jimmy said sarcastically.
"Yeah, as a matter of fact, it does. And if you do something like that to Lou again, I won't just stop at a punch." Cody leaned down and gave Jimmy a hand up. Jimmy accepted it. They walked to the restaurant and took a table.
"So why didn't you answer her? Why'd you make her think you were already gone? Do you know she's got every single one of those letters saved in a bundle in her drawer? Buck showed them to me."
"Ah, Buck. I was wondering when we were going to get around to him. She sure didn't waste any time after I left, did she?"
"What do you mean by that?" Although Cody had a sinking feeling he knew exactly what Jimmy meant.
"I did go see her…once. It was a couple months ago. Real nice spread they've got there. Real nice son they've got, too."
"Whoa, Jimmy, you've got it all wrong."
Jimmy interrupted him, "No, I've got eyes. I saw him. He looks just like Buck. So don't go trying to tell me he's not his."
"If you'd have bothered to get a closer look at him you'd have noticed who else he looks just like." Cody stared hard at Jimmy.
"Oh, no way. Huh uh. Don't try to pin this one on me. She wasn't pregnant when I left, she'd have said something."
"She found out the week after you left. Buck went out to find you, but he said it was like you just vanished. You wanna know what I think?" Cody asked him.
"No. But you're going to tell me anyway, aren't you?"
Cody ignored him and continued, "I think you didn't want to be found. Heaven forbid you'd actually have to stick around and protect someone other than yourself for a change."
Jimmy let that last remark slide…for now. "There's no way he's my kid. I can't have a kid. It's too dangerous."
"Too dangerous for who, Jimmy? For you or for little Jimmy?"
"She named him after me?" Jimmy asked incredulously.
"Yeah, you and Buck. He's taken care of her and Jimmy this whole time and put his life on hold. If only you'd have taken responsibility for what you'd done…for what you and Lou created…" Cody's thoughts trailed off.
A tense silence permeated the table.
"I heard she married him." Jimmy finally spoke up quietly.
"Who? Buck? No." Cody informed him.
"Don't lie to me. I asked around where Buck used to work. They said he was married with a kid."
"He had to tell 'em that or else he couldn't keep Lou with him. What was he supposed to do, take the job and just tell Lou she was on her own and oh, by the way, have a nice time trying to raise a bastard all on your own and find a decent job? Come on, Jimmy, you know Buck better than that. He didn't do anything any one of us would have done."
"You forget, there's only me and you left besides Buck."
"Yeah, well, I'd have done the same thing for her. I can already tell you don't have the guts to take care of her. You're too busy hiding behind that gun to notice there's other people in this world besides yourself."
"Cody, I swear. One more remark like that out of you and I'll forget we're friends."
"Sorry, but I thought we were brothers, a family. Teaspoon taught us that family takes care of family. But I guess that fact never made it through your thick skull." Cody was on a roll and there didn't seem to be any stopping him. He came to say his piece to Jimmy and that's exactly what he was going to do. "Do you realize she's probably in more danger being around Buck? You have no idea the prejudices she's had to put up with staying with him. The townspeople all thought she was a whore, an Indian squaw. Even though Buck and Lou said they were married, it didn't matter. They still called her a whore. For five years she put up with that. Hell, the town they're near now just barely tolerates her. They respect Buck because of the ranch, but even though Lou owns half - she's still just an Indian loving whore and they whisper about her behind her back.
"Damnit Cody! Quit callin' her a whore. You know that ain't true."
"Doesn't much matter what I know - it only matters what people think. You know that. Remember how it felt when you first got to Rock Creek? What the town felt about you and there was no changing their minds how hard you tried. You were arrested because of the word of one man. It's the same for Lou. And it's even worse now because Buck and Lou changed their story. Now they're sayin' they're brother and sister, but Jimmy calls Buck his father, so no one believes their story. Tell me, Jimmy, do you really want your son growing up being called a half-breed bastard?" Cody demanded.
"Better he have a chance to grow up. You know as well as I, that my having a family is a risk I just can't take." Jimmy lamely explained to Cody.
"No, Jimmy, I don't know that. That's some half-baked idea you have. I just wonder, is the risk you're talkin' about really involve Lou and lil' Jimmy's safety or is it your heart you're really talkin' about?"
Jimmy stared hard at Cody, scraped back his chair and got up and left the restaurant. He didn't want to hear anymore. He had a kid. No, a little boy, named Jimmy and supposedly looked just like him according to Cody. Damn! If only he'd have gotten a better look at him when he was there. The thought never occurred to him that the child he saw might have been his. He was too filled with anger at the thought of Lou and Buck together that he had mounted his horse and almost rode him into the ground just to get away. To get away from the hurt he felt knowing that she'd moved on without him. Even though that's exactly what he had wanted her to do - move on without him.
Maybe Cody was right. Maybe he'd spent too much time running away, hiding behind his gun to notice his family needed him.
He looked back at the restaurant and was glad Cody hadn't followed him out. He wasn't sure what he would have done if he had…probably something he would have regretted later.