WITHOUT YOU
WITHOUT YOU
One day on a supply run to the nearest town Buck met the woman he had been looking for all his life. She, like him, was a half-breed. Her complexion belied her true heritage though and was able to pass as white. She had been adopted 20 years ago by another rancher nearby when she was three months old, after being left on their doorstep by her mother with a note explaining her plight. Helen Rainer had instantly fell in love with the little bundle and quickly talked her husband, Eric, into adopting her. They named her Ellen Sunshine Rainer. Ellen, after Helen, and Sunshine, after her Indian name, Giving Sunshine.
Luckily, the ranch Buck and Lou bought was in western Montana Territory, hundreds of miles away from where Buck first worked as a ranch hand, so they decided to become brother and sister. The story they gave regarding Lou was her husband had been a scout in the Union Army and had been killed so she came to live with Buck, her brother. This left Buck "available" just in case that special someone ever came along in his life. Lou knew there would never be anyone but Jimmy for her and was content to have young Jimmy - even if she couldn't have his father.
The only problem with their arrangement was little Jimmy, himself. From the very beginning he had taken to calling Buck "daddy" and since at the time he was supposed to be his father, Buck never corrected him. Now five years later he really believed Buck was his father. Lou and Buck didn't know what to do about the situation, so they did nothing. Lou vowed when Jimmy was old enough she would tell him about his real father. Lou and Buck both knew that a five year old just wouldn't understand, so they left Jimmy thinking they were all a happy family.
But once Buck met Ellen and knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, he didn't know what to do about Lou and young Jimmy. He decided to get back in touch with Rachel and Teaspoon in an attempt to find Jimmy again, only he kept it a secret from Lou.
A couple months later Cody arrived on their doorstep.
"Cody! How the hell are you?" Buck enveloped him in a bear hug and clapped him on his back.
"Fine, just fine. Rachel said you were lookin' for Jimmy and she sent me up here to ya'. Your ranch sure looks good Buck. Where's Lou at? Rachel said you two were stuck like glue to each other since the Express broke up. Is she still here? I'd love to see her again." Cody asked.
Just then, little Jimmy decided to see what all the commotion was about and woke up from his nap. He came out into the kitchen and stared at the strange man with long blonde hair and buckskins.
"Are ya' an Indian like my daddy, mister?" Jimmy asked.
Cody stooped down to the child and smiled. "Nah, just like to dress like 'em. So Buck here is your daddy, huh?"
Jimmy nodded emphatically. Cody turned to Buck and grinned like a Cheshire cat. Before Buck could say anything to him, Cody asked Jimmy where his mama was at.
Jimmy just shrugged. Buck looked at Jimmy and said, "Mama went into town. She'll be back soon." Reassuring the child. "Jimmy, I'd like you to meet your Uncle Cody."
Cody put his hand out and little Jimmy shook it. "Nice to meet you, Jimmy."
"Jimmy, why don't you go in your room and play for awhile while Uncle Cody and I have a little talk?"
No sooner than Jimmy toddled off to the other room did Cody ask that inevitable question, "So who's his mama, Buck? It wouldn't happen to be a small, brown-haired, brown-eyed lady named Louise now would it?"
"Yes, but it's not what you think." Buck started to explain.
"Well if you're his daddy and Lou's his mama, exactly what should I be thinkin', Buck?"
"Shh, I don't want Jimmy to overhear. Wait a minute will ya' and I'll explain everything." Buck walked in Jimmy's room and told him he and Uncle Cody were going out to the barn and would be back in soon.
Buck motioned for Cody to follow him outside and he did so. Once they were out of earshot of the house, Buck started to explain again, but was interrupted by Cody. "So'd you marry her Buck? Rachel never said anything and she certainly didn't say anything about you two havin' a kid."
"He's not mine."
"What? He looks just like ya', Buck. Tanned skin, brown eyes. He's got Lou's nose though. Darnedest thing I ever saw, a minute version of the two of you." Cody shook his head. "Yep, darnedest thing."
"I told you, he's not mine. He's tan, yes, but only because he runs around outside most of the time. As for the eyes, Lou's got brown eyes and if you don't remember so does Jimmy."
Cody thought he was talking about little Jimmy and said, "Of course I remember, I just saw him a few minutes ago."
"That's not the Jimmy I'm talking about, Cody." Buck stood back and waited for the realization to come. Cody was a lot sharper than he used to be because it wasn't long in coming.
"Ya' mean to tell me that's Jimmy's kid? As in James Butler Hickok?"
"The one and the same." Came Buck's reply.
"Well I'll be. Now that's the darnedest thing I ever heard. Does Jimmy know?"
"No, Jimmy hasn't got a clue. We've been trying to track him down since the week after he left Rock Creek, but he always stays one step ahead of us. Have you got any idea where he's at now?"
"A couple years ago I heard he was down in Springfield, Missouri, but he's long gone now. He actually got himself arrested down there." Cody shook his head. "Just like Jimmy, always finding trouble and being right in the middle of it all." Cody paused for a moment and then added, "I think I heard tell he was headed up to Hays City, Kansas, but that might not be true. You know how the rumors of Wild Bill pop up everywhere. He was actually a deputy U.S. marshal for a time, at least that's what I heard."
"Hays City you say?" Buck asked.
"Yep, at least that's the word goin' 'round. Don't know whether to believe it or not. But it is Kansas. He might be going to see Celinda. Ya' never know."
"Celinda! We never thought to contact her to find Jimmy. 'Course the way he keeps moving 'round, she probably doesn't know much more than we do. You know I tracked him the week after he left but it was just like he vanished. Poor Lou, every time we heard word in the paper about Wild Bill she'd post a letter to the sheriff in that town, but by the time the letter arrived Jimmy had already moved on. She's got a stack of letters unopened in her room that were sent back."
"So you mean to tell me that you and Lou haven't…I mean you two didn't get married?"
"No, I mean not officially."
"So you two have been, uh, close?"
"Cody, where are you going with this?"
"Just curious is all." Came his reply.
"Well after Jimmy left and Lou found out she was expecting I tried to find Jimmy like I told you. But when I returned without him she was devastated. She was sure I could find him. I thought I could, too. But I seriously think he didn't want to be found if you ask me. Anyway, when I went out to look for work I took her with me. She didn't have anywhere else to go. After her condition started showing, I couldn't find any work because everyone knew we weren't married. So I finally found work up here in Montana territory as a ranch hand and Lou and I agreed to tell everyone we were married so she'd have a place to live. God, that cabin was sure small. But it was a roof over our heads and she was safe, that's all I cared about. We slept in the same bed together for five years." When Cody raised his eyebrow at Buck, he quickly added, "But nothin' happened." Buck decided to leave out their botched attempt at lovemaking that one night. "We slept. Nothing more. Once Jimmy was born he stayed in the room with us. Then when he turned five we had enough money to buy this place. I built on a room for her and little Jimmy. We've only been here six months, but I know this is home for us."
"So now you're startin' your search up for Jimmy again. Why?"
Buck blushed from the roots of his hair down to his toes.
"Let me guess, you've found someone haven't ya', Buck? And now Lou's in the way."
"She's not in the way. She's never been in the way. She's my sister and I'd protect her with my life. But she's got a right to be happy and I think she could be if Jimmy would just stay put long enough for her to tell him about little Jimmy. And to answer your question, yes, I've found somebody. Her name's Ellen. I met her in town a month ago. But that's not why I'm trying to find Jimmy. Lou deserves to be happy and I can't be completely happy until she is. I owe her that much. She stuck by me all these years. I know she didn't have a lot of options open to her and she could have moved in with Rachel. But she didn't. She stayed with me. Even through all those times she was called an 'Indian lover' or 'squaw' by the townspeople, and other names I won't even mention. She thought I didn't know, but I always knew what happened when she'd come back home in tears."
"You want me to go to Hays City and drag him back here? Because I will you know, she's my sister, too." Cody stated.
"No. I was wondering if you'd stay here with her for awhile and I'm gonna go see if I can't bring Jimmy back." Buck told him.
"Neither one of you are going anywhere to bring Jimmy back."
They both whirled around to the sound of Lou's voice. She was standing in the doorway to the barn, looking none too happy.
"I appreciate what you both are trying to do, but he's had five years to try and find me and he hasn't. I'll not have either one of you traipsing all the way to Kansas on a fools errand."
"But Lou, he doesn't know about little Jimmy."
"And that's exactly how it's gonna be. If he can't get in contact with me because he wants to see me, I sure don't want him here out of an obligation he'd feel because of Jimmy. We've gotten along just fine these past five years without him, haven't we, Buck? I'm sure he knows where Rachel is and she knows where we are, so if he wants to find us, he can. If not, then I don't need him around."
"But Lou…" Cody started.
She cut him off. "Now Cody, come here and give me a hug and tell us what you've been up to these past five years." She gave him a big hug and kissed his cheek. Then the three of them headed inside the house, knowing when Lou made up her mind about something there was no changing it.
Later that evening, Cody and Buck made their way out to the barn again and Cody agreed he was going to Hays City to find Jimmy and at least talk to him. But they both agreed it'd be better if he didn't know about little Jimmy. On that point they agreed with Lou. Because if Jimmy did come back and already knew about little Jimmy, Lou would always be wondering if he came back for her or came back for little Jimmy.
Cody stayed with them for a couple weeks and then said he had to be heading out again.
The day he left was a sad one for little Jimmy who'd grown attached to his newfound uncle.
He woke up his uncle that morning by sitting on his chest and sing-songed, "Unca Codeeee! Unca Codeeee! Wake up, wake up. Time to wake up, sleepyhead!"
When Cody cracked an eye open and noticed Jimmy was looking the other way, he reached out and tickled the youngster into a fit of giggles.
Once the little boy caught his breath he asked as serious as he could, "Do ya' hafta leave today, Unca Codee?"
"Yeah, I'm afraid so, Jimmy. But you know what, I'm gonna be comin' back in a month or two so you'll see me again soon."
"Good." And the
child placed a sloppy, wet kiss on his uncle's forehead.