MY FOOLISH HEART

by

Sidney McCabe

© 2000

Chapter 2

So you see, this girl was special from the start. How could I not have seen the secret she was hiding? All one had to do was look closer to see the gentle, feminine arch of her lips, the graceful lines of her neck, the soft curve of her hips. I've been with many women in my day, and I've certainly appreciated many more, and yet I missed this woman who was perhaps more magnificent than any I had come across before. It's not that her disguise was particularly good: a hat, spectacles, shirt, vest, breeches, boots. It wasn't all that effective, really, but I think the reason she fooled me was because I wasn't paying close enough attention. Who expects to see a girl masquerading as a boy? So I took her appearance for what it was, and saw her as a young man, as she meant for me to. I suppose I lost my heart just a bit the moment I realized she was a woman, and that underneath all that dust and grime, a very beautiful one at that.

But I had no intention of feeling anything more deeply. I could depend upon the utter detachment that I always felt. I could will my body into not
responding to hers. I could will my mind into separating my attraction from my emotion. Of course, that was before I understood that the heart is the least dependable part of the body. The heart will betray everything you know to be true about yourself.

The moment her friend revealed her secret, Lou's entire demeanor changed. A certain mask dropped from her face, and instead of appearing like a very brave young man, she was every inch a brave young woman. No tears threatened her eyes. Her mouth was a thin line of resolve. She said nothing in reply to Cody's blunder, but she did sigh, a small sigh of frustration.

Harry and I continued to walk backward, our eyes on Cody's diminishing figure. We were nearly to the horses, my arm still a careful hold around
Lou's slim neck. Then Harry climbed gingerly into the saddle of his horse. I could see that the shoulder was going to cause him a great deal of pain. He would get himself shot, the fool, and us not able to go to a doctor.

"You all right, Harry?"

He grimaced, grabbing the reins. "It shot clean through. Hurts like hell, but yeah, I'm all right."

"Good. Miss Louise, if you will be so kind as to hoist yourself up onto Rocky here, I would be ever so grateful." I patted Rocky's saddle. "Lovely
horse, isn't he?"

"Don't call me 'Miss Louise'," was all she said. She slipped one booted foot into the stirrup. I'm a very tall man and Rocky was many hands high;
Lou was out of her element on this horse. The stirrup was so high that when she put her foot in it her knee was level with her nose. It was an amusing sight.

"Let me help you."

"No, thank you." Her reply was curt. She grabbed firm hold of the saddle and with impressive strength hauled herself up, quickly slinging her leg
over the other side. I put my hand on her thigh and she looked at me with distaste.

"Don't flatter yourself," I said, though she did feel soft and tempting. "I'm merely doing what I can to prevent you from taking the notion to ride
off with my horse."

The sudden flash in her eyes told me my hunch had not been wrong. She would have taken the first opportunity to kick her heels into Rocky and ride hell for leather. She was that kind of woman. My interest flared again. "Move your feet," I instructed. She did so, and I climbed up behind her. I reached into my pocket and drew out a handkerchief. I quickly rolled it and then began to tie it around Lou's eyes.

Finally she reacted. "You won't get away with this, you know!" she said in outrage.

Harry laughed.

"I mean it!" she said as I tightened it further and tied the knot securely. "I've got friends! They'll come lookin' for me!"

"Ah, but will they find you?" I asked.

"They've found me before."

"Impressive." But I wasn't really impressed. So they had found her before. They would probably find her again. The question was, would they risk her life to save her? I was even less inclined to kill a woman, but the instinct for survival is a strong one, especially in me.

We began to ride. At first Lou kept her body straight and stiff, her back not touching my chest, her arms crossed. Clearly she didn't want any part of her body to touch mine. But eventually, as the miles were swallowed by the horses and the hours fled by, she grew tired. Against her will she relaxed her body, until she wearily leaned back against me, framed by my arms. In a moment I heard her breathing become regular. The poor thing had fallen asleep.

Curiously, I felt a stirring of affection. She looked so little and helpless. And I felt badly that I was the cause of her suffering. But what was she to me? Just someone who had gotten in the way.

"Raff?"

"Yeah?"

Harry was riding just ahead of me but he stopped and waited for me till I was alongside him. "Raff, this is bad, ain't it?"

Dusk was looming. We were nearly there.

I nodded. "It's pretty bad."

"We haven't had to take anybody in a long time."

"True."

"She's just a little thing."

"Also true."

"I think we should just let her go."

"No, you're wrong." I spoke forcefully. "We cannot let her go, Harry. Don't you see? We have nothing to barter with if we don't have the girl."

"But Raff --"

"Do you want to go to jail, Harry? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Because if so, I will give you the girl. You can take her back and turn
yourself in at McDaniel Falls. I will be minus one partner, which is a pity, but on the bright side I will still have my neck intact."

He looked down at his shoulder, still trickling blood. "I don't fancy the idea of swingin' for no girl," he said. "No, I don't."

"Then shut up and keep riding."

"I was just sayin', Raff..."

"I know what you were just saying, Harry. Jesus, do you think I'm stupid?"

I spurred Rocky on and left Harry behind, picking up speed as I went. Lou began to jostle against me, so I tightened my hold. She felt nice, soft and warm, nice curves. I held her closer. Hard to believe Harry is the son of one of the wealthiest, most refined men in Abilene, Texas. The Wileys are as close to aristocrats as Texas will ever see, and Harry was the youngest of the family. Tall yet stocky, with a broad face that women seemed to find rather appealing. He clung to his past by wearing the most expensive suits to be had, so that while we were in the middle of the prairies stealing women's necklaces and men's pocket watches, he looked as if he belonged in a ballroom. He still had that strange, spooky smile, but he was very well-dressed.

The hideout was just ahead. Hideout. That makes it sound very mysterious and dangerous, doesn't it? It's not, actually. It's just that the term "shack" is a bit extreme, yet the term "house" doesn't suit it, either. It's somewhere in between. And it is where we hide out, so perhaps that's the
best term for it in the long run.

It was growing dark. Lou suddenly awoke, her body jerking against mine. "Where am I?" Then she remembered. "Oh," she said.

"Comfortable?" I asked lightly.

"Never been better," she shot back, causing me to laugh softly. She tried to slide the bandanna over her eyes, but I stopped her.

"Well, you're about to have a bed for the night in just a minute. We're nearly there."

"Where's there?"

I laughed again. "Oh come now, Miss Louise, surely a clever girl like you doesn't expect me to fall for that question?"

After a moment she said, "I told you not to call me 'Miss Louise'."

Delighted with her spirit, I remained quiet. Harry pulled up next to me and we rode the remainder of the ride in silence. Lou had once again stiffened and her body no longer rested against my chest. Pity. It had felt rather nice.

At the house I dismounted and motioned for Lou to do the same after me. She did so, reluctantly accepting my offer of a helping hand. If she had not, she would have fallen to the ground and at the very least twisted an ankle; it was a long way to the ground for such a small girl. When she had landed firmly, she released my hand and waited. Impatiently.

"You take the horses, Harry. When you come inside we'll take a look at that shoulder of yours."

In the fading light I could see him nod. "It's kinda numb," he said, "but it don't hurt as much. I think it's okay."

"Good. But let's be sure."

In the house I lit several kerosene lamps. I had removed her blind and Lou stood by the door staring at me. I could feel her anger and frustration with every breath she took. I refused to apologize, but at the very least I could offer her a comforting word.

"You won't be here long," I said kindly. "A couple of days, maybe three, till Harry and I know we're safe and can find ourselves a new place. Then
we'll let you go."

But she seemed untouched by what I had said. "I doubt I'll be here as long as you seem to think. My friends will find me. Kid won't rest until he finds me."

I raised an eyebrow. "Kid?"

She flushed, rather prettily I thought. "None of your business."

"You don't owe me an explanation," I agreed. "Bit of an unusual name, though. Is he your beau?"

"That's also none of your business."

"That's all the answer I need."

Ha! I had her there. She looked immediately resentful. "Have a seat," I said. "Make yourself comfortable."

I may as well have invited her to make her bed in a snake pit for the look she gave me in return. But she did sit down, gingerly, very reluctantly.

"Hungry?"

She shook her head, but I saw the truth of it in her eyes. "I'll fix us all something to eat, and then if you change your mind you can join Harry and me."

I set about warming the beans Harry and I had fixed the night before. I cut up slices of cornbread and arranged them on a plate. There was a bit of
bacon left in the makeshift larder, so I set that out as well. I straightened the worn tablecloth. I could feel her eyes on me. When I looked up, she seemed to be laughing at me.

"What?" I demanded, defensive.

"You're makin' the table look as pretty as a woman would." Despite herself, her eyes were lit with mischief.

I grinned. "No harm in that, surely?"

A faint smile passed over her lips. "Guess not. The boys I live with wouldn't think of it, though."

I had drawn her in. It was the smile. I could feel her relenting, however unwillingly. She was becoming interested despite herself. "Oh, yeah? Tell me about these fellows of yours." I let my eyes dance a bit, going for the full effect.

I had chosen the wrong words. She shut up again. The charm wasn't doing the trick. If she'd been any other girl she'd have been wrapped around my finger at that point, but as I was to learn, Lou McCloud was not just any other girl.

Harry came in then and with a shy glance at Lou took off his coat and shirt. The bullet had indeed gone clean through. I doused the wound with whiskey, ignored Harry's mangled screams, and then bandaged his shoulder. He panted in renewed pain, and then calmed himself. We began to eat. With great dignity Lou picked up the spoon that lay near the bowl I had placed before her. She ate, too, and I managed to refrain from mentioning what she had said earlier, though I did feel a glimmer of satisfaction. We finished eating and Harry retreated to his room at the back.

Lou and I gazed at each other. It was getting late and she looked worn to the bone. "You understand that I'll have to ask you to sleep on the couch here where I can keep an eye on you."

Lou snorted, a sound I remembered from before. "'Ask'?" she repeated. "You're not askin' me anything, you're tellin' me."

"Clever girl. That's exactly what I'm doing."

She unsuccessfully stifled a yawn. "I am tired," she admitted. I nodded. I, on the other hand, require very little sleep. It's almost inhuman, really, the way I can go for days on an hour or two here and there. Very useful, though, especially in this instance. By the time I felt the need for some shut-eye, Harry, an early riser, would be up and would be able to watch our hostage.

"I have some things you can wear," I said. "Your clothes look filthy."

"I don't want to wear your clothes."

"They're not mine."

"I don't want to wear Harry's, either."

I clenched my jaw at her stubbornness. "They're not Harry's."

"Well then, whose are they?"

They were my sister's, or at least they had been. Sara. I thought of her lively laughter, her sweet smile directed at me, her sighs of "Oh, Raff".
But I couldn't say that to Lou or anyone else. "A young woman's," I answered. "A very wonderful young woman."

"What did you do to her?" Lou sneered.

I shot to my feet and stood over her. "She was my sister!" I roared at the top of my lungs.

Lou shrank back against the corner of the couch, looking more apologetic than afraid. "I'm sorry," she murmured, "I shouldn't have said that."

"No, you shouldn't have," I agreed. I moved to a crumbling old bureau that the previous residents had left behind, and withdrew one of Sara's
nightgowns. "I realize this is a bit improper, but I doubt you'd be comfortable sleeping in one of her dresses."

"This will be fine."

"You can change in there." I pointed to a tiny, windowless closet, then began to shrug out of my coat.

Lou lifted a lamp to light her way, then stopped, gasping. "You're still bleedin'!" she cried. I looked down in surprise. I had forgotten about the gash in my side where she had so effectively stabbed me with her knife only this afternoon. It was a long incision and a wide one from the looks of my shirt. Blood still oozed slowly out. My once-crisp white shirt was covered in red. Funny, but I hadn't felt the pain until now. Suddenly it was indescribable. "Look at that. No thanks to you," I said teasingly.

She had her slender fingers to the thoroughly soaked cotton of my shirt. She looked about to touch me, and I held my breath, wondering if she would. She hesitated. "You should clean that up."

"Care to do it for me?" I only spoke in jest, but she looked deeply offended.

"While I am here under threat of death, I will do my best to cooperate with you. But I will not play your games or be a part of them in any way!" She stormed off to the closet. She opened the door and then whirled back to face me. "What is your name, anyhow?" she asked.

I tried not to smile. "Rafferty. Rafferty Nolan."

"You don't frighten me, Rafferty Nolan. You don't frighten me at all. If I'm stayin' here and not causin' a fuss, it's only because I know there's no
point in it. Just know that, you hear me?" She slammed the door shut behind her and I could hear her stirrings in the closet as she undressed.

And so I lost my heart just a little more.

To chapter 3

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